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16

Dec

Cheapskate Charlie…




He’s the guy that all my friends liked, but he didn’t like anyone and yet, he liked me. 
He was very good looking, fit and just an all over nice guy…but one of my biggest turnoffs, he was cheap and I don’t mean “I don’t have money, so can we go dutch?”. No, he was the kind of guy that saved his whole check, went shopping all the time, lived at home with moms, traveled and lived what seemed to be the good life.  So what was the problem?

Listen, I’m not opposed to going dutch after a certain point during the relationship…HELL, I don’t even mind treating him to dinner…but if you’re cheap off the bat, nothing will send me running for the hills quicker than that…there’s no remedy in the world for that disease.

The first time we hung out, I didn’t actually think he liked me.  I thought he just wanted to chill as friends, since we had mutual friends…he wanted to go shopping because he thought I had a good sense of style and could offer a good opinion…after a few hours of walking around and only buying ONE SHIRT (that I didn’t even give my opinion on…lol), we nded up a nice restaurant that I often went too.  It was a nice time and when the bill came we went totally dutch…which I didn’t mind, since it wasn’t a date.

We started talking more often and I sensed that he was starting to like me, which was cool considering that I thought he was actually very nice…

He asked me to hang out again and after we went to the movies, we ended up at a dinner.  Great laughs, good times…then the dreaded bill…so now that it was obvious that he liked me, what was he going to do? Surely enough, he said “its $18.54 each.” I died, I gave him the $20 and just shook my head…this was the beginning to the end..lol.  

We got to the train station and it turned out his train was closer than mine.  He didn’t even offer to walk me to my station. I just laughed it off and kept it moving.  He then texted me and apologized for not having walked me…I guess not all was lost…

We went on a few more dates, in which we went dutch.  I was starting to question whether he was actually interested.  I come from the school that if a man wants to court you he will do so by not only spending time with you but by offering to take you out and paying for you, AT LEAST until the courting stage was over and you were in a relationship…

I decided to test him.  On one of our dates, we went to a diner and when the bill came, as oppose to doing what I was already accustomed to with him, taking out my wallet and pulling out money, I let it sit there…and sit there it did. He didn’t touch it and as I grew more and more nervous, hoping that he’d pick up the tab, so he could prove to me he wasn’t a cheapskate…it continued to sit there…I was DYING to just take out my card and pay for it, but I needed to prove a point.  ::He is not a cheapskate, he is NOT a cheapskate, he is NOT a cheapskate:: I kept chanting to myself…surely enough after about half an hour of sitting there, he finally took the bill, looked it over and paid for it.  I sighed with relief…but satisfaction didn’t last too long.

We decided to hit up Pinkberry after dinner and as I’m waiting for my our fro-yog to be handed to us, he turns to me and says in a matter of fact tone, "you got money to pay?" I told him I did, and he grabbed the fro-yogs and walked to the back of the line…I didn’t know what to say to that…I always carry money, but who says that? I paid for the fro-yog and was completely turned off to the point where he could tell that my demeanor had changed.  I didn’t care about paying for the damn yogurt, but did you HAVE to ask me whether I had money?!?!  Ugh.

He calls me up one night and asks me to be his date to his friend’s birthday party.  I agreed to go.  The night of the party, I had been in a funky mood all day and really didn’t feel like going out, but I sucked it up, dolled myself up and headed out to the venue.  When I get there, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "someone’s overdressed for the occasion"…I was shocked. Did he just tell me I was overdressed???? Here I was, nice enough to be his "date" to what seemed to be a sausage fest of a party out of my element at this corny ass lounge and this guy tells me "you’re overdressed."  There was no, thanks for coming or you look nice…nothing. I knew I should’ve gone straight home, but I headed straight to the bar, I needed a drink.

He comes over to the bar and asks me what I’m going to order…

Me:  Whiskey and Ginger Ale

Him: Oh, sounds good.

Me:  Yea, I love it.

(Bartendar hands me my drink, but leaves to attend to another patron before I could pay him…)

Him: I’ll catch you in a bit (and he walks away)…

He didn’t even bother to offer to pay for my drink.  But then again, I wasn’t surprised. 
I go back to where he’s dancing with his friends and I try to loosen up and have a good time…before you know it, it was time for Drink #2.

I get my drink and head back to where he is.  

He starts dancing up on me and grabs my hand and pulls my drink towards him and start sipping from my straw…

WTF was this Mofo doing?? So not only did he invite me out as his ”date,” and not even offer me a drink, but now he was standing there sipping from the drink that I BOUGHT…was he serious??!! 

That was the last straw.  

I kept on dancing and pretending to have a good time, when the night was over…I was out. 

I spoke to him a few times after that, but it was pretty much done for after that.  

We talk occasionally but I never hung out with him again…

13

Dec

NBA NIGHT

It was a Friday night out with the girls. The meatpacking district didn’t work out, since we had one guy and apparently when you are 25, you are washed up in the club world.

My friends decide to head to this semi urban club in Chelsea. When we arrive I was worried since the bouncer was letting in a large amount of fat ugly girls. I figured I would just leave early, since the ambiance looked mediocre and I had to be at work at 7am the next day.

But when inside the music was good and the drinks were flowing at our table.

As I was dancing on furniture in 5 inch heels (my club standard), I noticed these tall, minority gentlemen in the VIP area.

Upon further investigation and confirmation by the DJ it was Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony. (NBA players for those that don’t do sports). I was ecstatic!

No more football players, I’m going to be on VH1 Basketball Wives! 

I start giving my best sexy dance routine on the table….

When that did not work I attempt to sit and be cool…

By this time I am five patron shots in.

I see Amare pass by our table as my gay friend is all over me asking me to spell the players name for his blog.

I’m furious, because Amare is looking at me and this guy is all over me (a guy that doesn’t even like vaginas!)

I break free from my friend, cut pass security and hug Amare and drunkly slur out: ‘WELCOME TO NEW YORK!”…BY THE WAY, LEBRON AINT SHIT!”

He looks at me like poor drunk girl and I walk away, defeated.

Damn you alcohol!

As soon as Amare leaves the club, the lights turn on…its 4am!

Shit, I was supposed to leave early.

Instead I start driving home and get stuck in ridiculous night construction traffic.

GRRRRR!

I get off my exit and its 5.45am, I have work in an hour and am starving. So I drive out of my way to visit the 24 hour drive thru at McDonalds. I get to the window and order a Big Mac and fries.

The man says: “I’m sorry I can’t do that.”

So I say: “Ok, let me get something from the breakfast menu.”

He says: “No, you don’t understand we are closed.”

I’m about to go ape shit and scream: “WTF, how can a 24 hours drive thru be closed? This is false advertising! Does Obama know about this?!?”

He says: “I don’t know if Obama knows be we are always closed for an hour for our dinner to breakfast transition.”

I am furious!

And about to go ‘Chicken McNugget Lady’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlbV-NPT56s) on this McDonald.

Till I see that the Dunkin Doughnuts across the street is open.

I swallow my anger, drive across the street and order the left side of the menu.

I get home, inhale my breakfast, shower and head to work for my 12 hour shift…

So in summary. No NBA star, No McDonalds, 3 eggs sandwiches and the most miserable 12 hours of my life….

GO KNICKS!

10

Dec

Love this “Runaway” cover by Nikki Leonti of Nikki & Rich!

08

Dec

Happily Ever After…

As I’m sure many of you have, I went through a phase where just the sound of a motorcycle would get my heart racing. Yes I must admit, I was a biker lover.  One of my ex’s introduced me to the adrenaline rush of racing down a highway at 130mph with your arms wrapped tightly around your boo, and ever since we broke up I couldn’t shake the desire to get back on that horse with someone new!

This is where Family Guy comes into play…

On a hot summer afternoon I walked through the east village with a couple of girlfriends shopping around for hotties shoes… When we ran into a group of guys leaning up against their parked motorcycles (cliche I know, just keep in mind it was cool back then).  In between all of the hooting and hollering, I was approached by FG. He was such a gentleman compared to his riding buddies who thought winking and blowing kisses at a girl while patting on their passenger seat was a sure fire way to catch our attention.  After chatting with FG for some time I realized that this one was pretty good on paper.  He had all the basics that I required from a guy at 19 years old… He was over 21, had a job, bike (or car), and didn’t live with his mom! Jackpot!!
We exchanged info and I couldn’t wait until my first ride out on town with him!
A couple of days later I agreed to let FG pick me up from a friends place for dinner and a ride.  Just as hot as I remember, he picked me up on his bike and whisked me away as we sped off to a bar.  We arrived at Essence, and even though I was born and raised in Brooklyn, I for the life of me could not figure out where I was.

FG was just as sweet as when I met him. We did the usual date chatting and all was going absolutely well until get took off his sweater revealing a tattoo

"Jacob & Jodi".

Of course I had to ask, “So, who’s Jacob & Jodi?” He replies ever so casually, “Oh those are my kids. Jacob’s 3 and Jod’s 1”.  My throat clenches up and I nearly choke on my appletini.  And in an effort to not sound as young as I actually am, I play it off cool with a “Oh two kids?  They must be adorable at that age.” FG then takes that as a sign that oh she’s cool with this and then decides to drop another bomb. He then says “Yea my wife and I didn’t plan on the second one but it just happened and she’s just such a blessing.” WTF!?!? NOW I’m panicking. I’ve been set up! I feel like one of those mice stuck on the glue trap, freedom within clear sight but can’t seem to move. I manage to cough out “oh you have a wife” and he casually replies “oh, yea thought I mentioned that when we met.” Dead silence…

He then excuses himself to the restroom and I instantly begin to phone all my emergency contacts in hopes of getting someone to come save me.  No one seems to know where this place is.  (This was way before internet on cellphones and Google being the go to bible) In a last ditch effort to save myself, I consider just gnawing my foot off to free myself from this glue trap grabbing my coat and running out of the place and worrying about finding my way home after I’m free. But unfortunately my hesitation to leave left no room for an escape as Family guy strolls back from the bathroom and flashes a huge smile when we lock eyes. “Oh good you’re still here!” He says as he takes a seat and signals the waitress to bring over another round of drinks.
 ”Umm what do you mean by that” I say. ”Oh well I figured I’d step away to the bathroom after telling you that I’m married to give you the opportunity to leave if you wanted to without making things too awkward.”

Damn it, that was my chance…
I sat through this charade for another 30 minutes before I began my fake yawns and he then finally offered to take me home. I sighed in relief when we pulled up in front of my friends place as I then hopped right off his bike, handed him his helmet and dashed upstairs before he could even think of kissing me. The family guy called and texted a few times asking to go for a ride just as friends after I told him to go home to his wife.

Lesson learned…. If a window of escape presents itself, take it!

03

Dec

Changing Names by Apple Brown Betty

2008 was a long and not so great year; a lot of the years have been looking that way for a while, well in reference to relationships. So when 2009 came around I wished and hoped and prayed for something different; and that’s what I got.

A few days into the New Year 2009, I attended a party of this older gentleman who was courting me as his trophy wife (but that’s another story). As my friends and I arrived to the venue, I debated whether or not I wanted to let him know I was there; I mean my home girl was in town and  I wanted to her to have a good time.

As we joined the line a group of guys were on line and offered us some passes. I was happy and took that as a sign not to hit up Grandpa. The guy that handed me my pass was cute; he gave me that pass and that million dollar smile and I was like AOOOWWWW he is getting at least two dances tonight.

Fast forward to later on in the evening, my friends and I found ourselves in VIP, with no bottle service, lol; right across from my Pass Boo who clearly came out to drink that night. He toasts me with he glass of Henny and offers me a glass, from across the room. I declined and continued to have a good time with my friends.

(I am totally not into coming to you homie, you come to me!)

While dancing and enjoying myself in VIP with my friends, and no bottle service across from my Pass Boo, (who has been watching me ALL night), here comes Grandpa.

(This is the older guy that wants me to be the PYT (pretty young thing) on his arm, at his events.)

Grandpa, gets bottle service and invades my table with his liquor, ice and juice. He offers drinks to my friends and I. I decline, but my friends help themselves.

He’s asking me: ‘Why I don’t call him?’ and ‘Why I didn’t tell him I was going to be here?’ and ‘What he would have set up for me if I did’, blah blah blah. I cut the convo with him short and took a walk. Pass boo sees this as his opportunity.

Pass boo: I see you’re popular with the guys. Why are you turning everyone down?

Me: Because I can.

We then proceed to talk; he tells me that he is in the army and may have to leave to Iraq when he goes back to base in a couple days.

I look at him funny, thinking: “Dude, you trying to have sex with me before you so call go off to war, WTF ever”.

I suppose he sees the disgust in my face and cleans it up by saying that we will be getting to know each other via the internet. He then tells me his age, he is younger than me OMG and I thought this guy was older than I was. He thought I was younger than him. He was very mature and a gentleman even in his posture, which must have been the army in him.

We exchanged numbers and Pass Boo becomes Solider Boy.

Solider boy and I spoke everyday. It turns out he wasn’t going away, (Sign number 1). He called to wake me up every morning and called dinner time, like clock work. He was cool, and predictable which was a pleasant departure from the normal “mysterious” guy.

I find out he has a child; I like kids so it is not a deal breaker for me. But his son was only 5 months; yes 5 months! This child is fresh out the womb.

So of course my question was: ‘Where is your baby mother?

Solider boy now BabyMamaDrama, replies: ‘She is not in the picture. She and I were just friends who had sex and she ended up pregnant. She wanted to keep it and I’m taking care of my child. I love my son.’

Me:  Well you must also love the women that gave him to you.

BabyMamaDrama: No she and I were and still are just friends

Me: You live with her?

BabyMamaDrama: I live with my brother

Me: You live with her?

BabyMamaDrama: No

Me: Hmpf

I cut the convo short because, he and I had been talking on the phone for a while and he never mentioned the child. You love your son so much you forget him.?!?!

I stop taking his calls for a week or so deciding if I hould even bother entertaining him. Then he leaves a message telling me that he will be in NY/NJ area that weekend, he was based in Maryland, and if I would meet him for dinner. Of course I said yes. (I love my belly,J!)

So, I pick him up from Penn Station and he was looking all good in his fatigues, that damn uniform. (This was actually our second date; first date was food, talking, laughing, and his friends). . He changes his clothes in my car, because he clearly wanted me to see him in his uniform, since I hadn’t in the 2 months I’ve “known” him, and we get some dinner at this restaurant in flat iron.

Dinner was nice, food was good, conversation was flowing well, dessert and hot beverages. After dinner he’s tells me that he wants to spend some time with me, I laugh and say you can see me tomorrow.

BabyMamaDrama: No I want to spend to night with you, I mean not like that; I think we need to talk

Me: (While looking at him funny) Well it’s late and nothing is open where we can have a private conversation, short of my car.

BabyMamaDrama: Fine let’s go to my house

Me: Please I am not going to Jersey

BabyMamaDrama: Fine let’s go to a hotel, that way I don’t have to go to Jersey in the middle of the night

Me: As long as you know, I’m not having sex with you. I’ll fine.

We get to one of the newer mid-block hotels in mid-town and get a room. We go up to the room and we begin to talk about why he lied, by omission, about having a child. The conversation was me sitting on the night table and him sitting on the bed. While pleading for me to understand that he likes me and didn’t know how I would take him having a child that was so young. And I softened up a little, just enough for him to see the window of opportunity to kiss me. And oh did he kiss me, of course I fought him to stop at first, I was still mad at him. But he was persistent and I eventually gave into his juicy lips.

All of a sudden I was on the bed; I don’t know how I got there, lol. He was all over me; it was getting to be too much for me. I had to stop it. I wasn’t comfortable with his situation and knew I would regret it if anything happened. He pleaded of course, please just let it happen, I’m “ready”.  I just got off the bed and sat at the desk for a while thinking to myself, how do these jerks find me.

He comes over to the desk and asks me politely; can you at least lie in the bed next to me, I’ll leave you alone.

I told BabyMamaDrama that if he tried anything he would regret it. I had already made up my mind about him. I lay next to him and he keeps looking at me, so I turn my back to him, he spoons me for a little and says, “I come home to see you and you treat me like this? You can’t even look at me? I could have gone home to my WIFE”.

My reaction: your ….? Speechless. I put on my shoes and coat and leave!!!! Thinking OMG, I’M THE OTHER WOMAN!

I delete him out of my life, well my social networking life.

Of course he calls (he better). He calls and calls and calls. When I finally decide to call back, I don’t get him. Realized that he has left for Germany after reading his short email. I didn’t respond.

After a few months, he sends me a friend request on Facebook. I accepted, but after a while, I deleted him again. I don’t need an extra jerk in my life.

01

Dec

The Caveman…

Up to now…this is probably one of the most classic dates I’ve ever been on…

This guy had potential, he really really did.  I wanted to make this one work…he had plenty of qualities that I look for in a guy: smart, funny, goodlooking, tall, good credit (LOL!), etc.  He even had light eyes!  Not to mention, his resume was beyond impressive….I was actually excited to meet this guy.  You see, a friend of mine from High School set me up with him after I had seen his pictures on her page.  She was happy that he was finally getting to know a great woman (me!) and that she knew it would work.  She set me up…BIG time.  She failed to mention that homeboy had caveman qualities and lacked some serious manners.  

Before we went on our first date, we spoke on the phone a few times, it seemed like we had a few things in common. 

1st date - We decided to link up on a Sunday afternoon.  He had made it clear that it was Sunday and he had to be home to watch football, so that we’d just have lunch and that’s it. Okay cool, I had never had a guy give me a time frame on a date before, so this was a first.  It didn’t bother me considering that Sundays were my relax days. We met up at a local restaurant, and he walked in wearing a hoodie and a thundercats tshirt.  I couldn’t help but laugh…here I was semi-dolled up and he was in a Thundercats shirt.  I guess I was lucky he didn’t show up with a football jersey and a helmet.  On any other day, I would’ve taken this as a sign of carelessness, not to put a little more effort into your outfit when meeting someone, but I was interested in this guy, so whatever, so I let the wardrobe go.  We ate, talked, laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company, in the predetermined time that we had. Lol.

I texted him to thank him for the date.  He told me that he had a great time and that he thought I was gorgeous.  Definitely my kind of guy. LOL.

The days passed and we communicated more and more.    
 

2nd date - We went out to eat. He loves to eat and when I mean loves to eat, he LOVES to eat, but somehow manages to stay extremely fit.  So of course, we ended up ordering a ton of food that could probably feed a village. The only thing I cared about was the fact that I had my mac and cheese and my burger.  I shouldv’e known better then to have gotten excited about my mac and cheese, because it didn’t last too long.  As soon as he was done wolfing down his food, he proceed to take the mac and cheese (that was on my end of the table) and finish off the plate without even asking me if I wanted anymore.  Even before I could say, HEY, I wasn’t done, he wolfed down the mac and cheese, cleaning off the plate completely. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had licked the bowl too (which he didn’t thank goodness, if not I would’ve been mortified).  I guess my facial expression said it all, because he said "yea, we don’t share in my house, we just eat."  Uhm yea, I could clearly see that his manners were nonexistent.  Damnit!  


But I continued on…of course I did…smh.  

 

Time continued on and we texted and called each other more often…during one of our conversations on the phone…he says to me "coño tu si eres una animal."  (Translation: Damn you’re such an animal).  To some people, that wouldn’t have been so bad, but when you hear it in spanish, it makes it sound THAT much worse and as a Dominican, when you call someone "una animal," you might as well tell them they’re a dirty whore. I was completely flabbergasted.  Did this dude really just call me "una animal?!" I have a VERY strict rule about name calling…I just don’t do it.  If I don’t like you, then whatevs, but to someone I’m with or trying to get to know? Absolutely not, not even if I’m pissed off.  This shit caught me off guard…I usually have a sharp tongue and I’m quick with my responses…but I had nothing to say to this, that’s how shocked I was.  What was crazy, was that he thought it was funny.  I had to basically calm myself down and tell him I had to go.  As soon as I got off the phone, I called my sister, (who tends to puts things into perspective for me when I’m being dramatic)…was I overreacting son?!  She made it clear that I wasn’t…so I knew that I had to put the kabosh on this situation and quick.

A few days later (after getting over my anger), I agreed to have dinner with him. The minute I saw him, he already knew that I was pissed.  I didn’t even wait till we were at the restaurant to talk…I spoke to him as we walked…


Me:  Listen, I’m going to make 2 things clear to you.  1.  I don’t like to be called names, joking or not, its disrespectful and 2. We are NOT friends.  We are clearly interested in each other, but we haven’t known one each other long enough to say, we’re actually “cool.”  You are courting me, therefore, you need to respect me, if not, I will drop you, like a bad habit.

He was floored that I approached him this way and even embarrassed.  He didn’t know what to say for himself…He ended up apologizing a few times, told me he liked me and didn’t want me to feel offended and that he hoped I’d reconsider giving him another shot.  He seemed very sincere, so I accepted his apology and continued on with our night.  
 

I knew I had a long road with this one…his manners were atrocious…but of course, I continued on…I believe in giving people chances…everyone makes mistakes, right? Hmm…


3rd date - It’s a Tuesday night and we decide to link up to go to this beautiful Sushi restaurant that I’d been wanting to try. I got all dolled up and when he came to pick me up, he actually looked very nice as well. (Thank goodness the Thundercats decided to stay home!) He opens the car door for me and we’re on our way.  In the car, he proceeds to tell me that he almost had to cancel because his mom wanted him to do a favor for her…I told him that of course, it was his mom, do what you must do…he then tells me "okay, well I’m glad you said that because if you would’ve said something different…I probably would’ve kicked you out of my car."  I start laughing, thinking he was joking…uhm, no he wasn’t.    He was VERY serious.  It dawned on me, that he was a full-blown Mama’s boy. I didn’t say anything in regards to that…I didn’t want to even bring up the topic of Moms…let alone Dominican Moms and their sons.  I would tackle that hurdle (if need be) when I got there.
 

The 3rd date actually went extremely well.  The restaurant was awesome and the mood was great.  
 

That night, we kissed.  Well, correction, he kissed me.  As he’s driving me home, we’re at a red light and I’m staring out the window…without me even knowing that he’s coming at me…he grabs my face and kisses me.  Listen, I’m all for aggression, but this straight up scared me. He came out of NOWHERE and planted it on me when I least expected it.  Thank goodness he was a good kisser…if not, I would’ve felt like I was being mauled or attacked by someone. 
 

4th date was welllll…clearly, I am still single.

The movie Shutter Island had come out and we both expressed interest in seeing it, so we agreed to meet up.  I bought the tickets and I’m there waiting for him…about 30mins pass by and he finally arrives, instead of driving he decided to take the train. Smart. Not! I’m a bit annoyed but I got over it quick.  I should’ve known that this was the beginning to the end…then again, the 1st date was the beginning to the end…smh.

We take our seats, dead smack in the middle of a sold out theater.  I couldn’t wait to feast my eyes on Leonardo DiCaprio. (I’ve been in love with him since the beginning of time, so clearly he was going to get my undivided attention).  I was so into the movie, when homeboy tries to put his arm around me…fine.  I kept on watching…he then proceeds to try to push me into him, to kiss him.  I shake my head and continue to watch the movie.  Ok, I am NOT 15 (except in my massive crush for Leo), therefore I’d like to watch the movie without having to make-out during it…ESPECIALLY since I bought the tickets and the movies are expensive! In other words, backup homeboy, we can make out afterwards.  Well…he did NOT take that too well.  He takes his arm off my shoulders and proceeds to give me a little push in the other direction and says (as he shakes his head and rolls his eyes)"YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE."  
 

WHAT?? Did I hear this dude right?  Did he just call me an asshole?? My eyes lit up and all I saw was...flames, flames on the side of my face…I was HEATED. LIVID. My whole demeanor changed and my concentration was broken…He just called me an asshole, son! Who the fuck does that??  It took every inch of me not to 1. slap him and 2. tell him off and 3. walk out. I kept my composure and remembered where I was…I was in the middle seat of a crowded movie theater on 42nd street.  Making a scene was not in my best interest right about now.  

The movie ended and so did homeboy’s chances with me.
 

He tried to make small talk about the movie.  I couldn’t even speak to him. 

Caveman:  "So, I thought we should go to a bar after this."

Me: "Nop, I’m going home."

Caveman:  "You okay?"

Me:  ”Nop.”

Caveman: "Do you want to go home?"

Me:  "Yup"

Caveman:  ”What train are you taking?  Let me walk you.”

Me:  "No, I’m good. Is this your train station?"

Caveman:  "Yea."

Me: ”Ok. Bye.”

And I walked away without turning back.  I made sure to walk a few blocks and took the train at another station to make sure I didn’t run into him.

The next day.

He texted me - "Hey it was nice to see you yesterday, thanks for coming out."

Me: ”I’m going to be honest with you, this isn’t going to work out. You’ve been nice but then extremely rude in some points and on more than one occasion, you’ve called me names, especially after I told you that it wasn’t cool with me.”  

Caveman:  ”I’m sorry, I don’t think before I speak.  I really like you and thought that we could’ve taken this further.  You’re the kind of girl I could see myself with.  But you’ve made up your mind and I have to respect that. I’ll probably regret this.”

Me:  ”Thank you and I’m sure you will.  I wish you luck.”


I didn’t hear from him again until a few months later…he ended up apologizing for calling me an asshole.  The fact that I left him standing in the middle of Times Square without looking back, really stuck in his mind and that he regrets that it didn’t go further because he really liked me. 

It takes a big person to apologize for their wrongdoings and I was actually shocked that he even apologized, period, especially after such a long period of time.  I accepted his apology. 

Now, we communicate every so often.  He seems to be a little softer and have a little more finesse in his approach.  

Hmmm…yea.  We’ll see about that one.


-Juicy Judy

29

Nov

Dirty old man

My girlfriend and I went to a local bar for drinks to watch a Yankees game.

 During the game I was confused to see so many men in suits with earpieces. I was wondering if they were taping another installment of Men in Black or OBAMA was in town!

After realizing that neither Men in Black or Obama would come to the Bronx I was informed that Mayor Bloomberg was visiting the bar to watch the game as a part of his campaign for re-election.

While watching the game my eyes met with one of the ear pieced suits, who was secret security for the mayor. He had a nice build and light brown eyes. We flirted throughout the game. His co-workers joked around, continuing to question me on my age. I thought nothing of it, till our date.

For the date we went to an Italian restaurant in the Bronx (Please keep in mind I am a Manhattan girl so I was already annoyed). On the date it starts pouring buckets of rain outside, but we manage to make it to the restaurant ok.

As we order our drinks and food he tells me that he doesn’t drink alcohol (XX Fail XX) and is on some healthy man life diet (XFailX).

Two things I love in life are food and liquor. I proceed to order a glass of red wine and a huge plate of pasta. (I’m not playing, I know this meal is for free).

He is annoying me talking about himself. So I go through my normal speech:

“Any kids, fetuses, zygotes, baby mama’s, girlfriend, girlfriend in prison?”

He laughs, because I’m funny ;) and says:

“Yes I have children (XFailX).  I have a son who is 13years old”

 (I’m sweating and confused trying to figure out how to get out the restaurant in the rain)

“and I also have a 25 year old daughter.”

I cough and spit out my wine.

I am shocked, he seems fine.

I then ask: “Excuse me sir, how old are you?”

He responds: “45”

I go pale and start wondering if I just run to my car will I get soaked in the rain storm.

I then respond: “Um, excuse me how old do you think I am?”

He says: “I don’t know, probably in your early 30’s”

My head begins to spin and I correct him yelling: “I AM 25!”

He proceeds to eat dinner like I just didn’t say that I am as old as his daughter.

I am in a rage and panic all at the same time.

30’s, he thinks I’m in my 30’s?!

I must work too hard, damn the immigrant in me! I must drink too much.

This man thinks I’m old.

Most importantly after learning my true age he is ok with me being the same age as his daughter!

The next morning he sends me a picture of himself shirtless showing off his groin area/minus the money shot. I am even more disgusted and speechless.

So of course I go on a second date, LOL.

On the date he asks me about the picture he sent and I’m like:

“Thanks….I guess”. (I digress, but which demographic thinks that self inflicted naked pictures are a good idea to send someone?!? WTF)

Needless to say after the picture and the 2nd date I realized that I might have daddy issues but this psycho wasn’t the one to fix them.

Six months later, I am out with friends and around midnight I get this picture text from an unknown number. I open the text and find this grown man full Monty with a du-rag on with this unhealthy red tipped penis.

Of course I am disgusted therefore I show it to all my friends. The picture makes great cocktail conversation (pun, slightly intended)

Between the du- rag, the look on his face, the averaged size penis and the STD ridden pink penis tip, it’s the gift that keeps giving.

OOOO I sure know I to pick um…why am I single again. LOL.

24

Nov

Con Ed (Part II)

Last we left off I was on the verge of spazzing out while thinking, why oh why did I give this man my phone number?!? Yes he was extremely hot with his 5 o’clock shadow, wearing his work mans jeans and a hard hat, but clearly those sweaty forearms and big blue eyes were just bait for the trap of a stage 5 clinger.  He wouldn’t stop!! I could’ve been in the bathroom for christ sake and yet Con Ed texted and called way beyond the normal amount of times for a semi stranger. 
After his voice mail pleading for me to call him back as if I was his wife of 20 years that was about to leave him, I was officially no longer in the mood to hang out with CE.

I needed time to sleep on this so I called him, made up some excuse about not feeling well and told him that I’d reach out to him tomorrow to try and reschedule.  He sounded slightly disappointed but wished me well and a good night.  However he didn’t leave it there, he decided to text me 3 more times before the night was over:
 ”Hun, sorry you’re feeling sick let me know if you need me to bring you anything” (no I was not having some stranger bring me a bowl of soup and even worse, know where I live)
I’m here for you hun" (I’m sick, not dying)
Sweet dreams" (I’ll be having nightmares of your endless texts)
I didn’t reply to any of them to avoid adding fuel to this fire of texting. 


I woke up the next morning to a text from him at 7AM!?!?!?  “Good morning hun, hope you’re feeling better, have a great day”.  Ok ok ok, I’ll look pass the fact that I was on your mind at 7AM, what I can’t look past is the fact that you actually texted me this early in the morning! My closest friends, my dad, heck my dear old grandmother doesn’t text me that early, it’s just cell phone etiquette. And yet CE felt that after a couple of drinks and a stalkerish cellphone session, that we were cool like that…. Nooo sir!    I couldn’t bring myself to reply that early so I figured I’d wait at least until I got to work which is a little after 9am. 

I resurface from my train ride into work and the moment my phone had service I got a notification. Beep Beep: You have 1 new text message from Con Ed…. “You ok?”. Why wouldn’t I be, because its 9am and I have yet to reply to your 7am wake up text.  This is where I’ve got to put my foot down.  After time to cool down and think this all over, I finally write Con Ed a message:

"I’m absolutely fine. And I’ve taken so long to call/write back to you because I’m trying to find the nicest way to tell u that your texting has been a bit overwhelming. Besides being busy at work I just don’t think we’re at the point where we need to text and talk  all day everyday. That’s just also not in my personality. I had fun on Saturday with u and would be more than happy to hang with u again but your indecisiveness to choose a place for dinner or activity is off putting. I’m trying to get to know u as well and what you’re about, so when I ask for u to pick a place and you throw the ball back in my court asking me to choose it becomes frustrating. This is all a lot to deal with within the first week of meeting as well. Apologies if this came off as rude those were never my intentions, just to be honest. "

This is all written with the hope that CE gets the point and slows down a bit. To give him a second chance to maybe show me that he can be less needy and more assertive. He writes back immediately apologizing for overwhelming me with his texts and promised to back off a bit and be more decisive. I thank him for understanding and tell him that I’d give him a call later.  Thirty minutes later he writes "can I call you?" Followed by two phone calls that go unanswered.  What’s with this guy?  I thought I was pretty clear in my text, I needed space and would call him later, no room for misinterpretation there.
Over the course of the day I received several other texts from him:
 ”Are you mad at me”, “Am I still in the runnings”, “I think we have a good thing going here, hope you want to see me again”

I’d reach my limit for being annoyed for the day (heck the week) and after much deliberation wrote him a text at the end of the day: 
"No, I haven’t gotten back to you because I’ve been  been really busy and a bit overwhelmed. . I’ve come to realize that now’s not the right time for me to get into anything new with you.. hope you understand, this isn’t going to work, I just don’t want to see u anymore. Take care.". Straight to the point. 
Over the next couple of days I receive a batch of texts and several calls until he somewhat moved on.
And til this day about once a month I still get the occasional "Hey how are you?" text that I dare not reply to.

Lesson learned…. Pay attention to the red flags, they’re there for a reason!

For Part I of Con Ed visit http://itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou.tumblr.com/post/1544624029/con-ed-part-i

22

Nov

Stork Pile

I first met “Diddy” during the summer about 2 years ago at his cousin’s house when I had stopped by after a hair cut. Diddy was suave, funny, attractive and talented and seemed to be every bit of a gentleman. Like any woman knows, a man that has all these qualities is more than likely spoken for and I automatically stored him in the friend zone accordingly. Rightfully so, the news came out that he was a new father which added a second to his already existing roster and he was living with the mother of his children. Through conversation, we discovered that we had professional ties so we exchanged information to keep in touch for the purpose of collaborating on projects.

 A couple of days later, Diddy shoots me a message on the fly just asking how I was doing and how I was liking my hair cut since I had reservations about pulling it off. I found this sweet but questioned how friendly it was but figured sending a neutral, humorous reply back would debase any sort of cheekiness that could develop from a seemingly harmless conversation starter. I made a joke about how my new locks were now able to brave the harsh humidity of August days in New York and he took the opportunity to point out how he found me attractive. My mind flashes to screaming kids and crazy baby mamas and I have the instant reflex to shut down the conversation. No reply sent.

About six months later, we run into each other and begin with small talk. I ask about his kids, he asks about my job, nothing short of a bland how’s the weather discussion. Diddy starts to veer off the discussion route, continuously drops compliments here and there and somehow we end up on the topic of dating. He starts to tell me about how he likes to be brutally honest upfront and gets into a story about him being a wingman for one of his boys at a lounge recently. As a wingman, he engages in a conversation with the friend of the girl his boy is trying to pick-up as a means of letting his boy get some one-on-one time with his target of affection. Diddy mentions that it is apparent that the girl he is chatting up is interested in him yet he’s not really interested in her at all but ends up exchanges numbers as a formality.  

While he is recounting this story, I’m wondering where he is going with this and more importantly why he would put himself in that situation since he is still living with his baby mama AND they have yet another addition to the roster premiering 6 months from now.  My concentration jumps back into his story and we now arrive to the part where he decides to give wing-girl a call the next day (yeah I missed why too!). Diddy calls her up and she is excited to hear from him and starts gushing about what a lovely time she had. He immediately lays out his cards and tells her about how he has kids from two different baby mothers and he actually lives with one of them but they have an open relationship. The girl understandably gets mad and asks why he’s being such an asshole for telling her all this. And his response is classic, simple and sadly true: he laughs and says to her, “How does me being honest and letting you know exactly what you choose to get into or not make me an asshole?” To this point, I respect his stance and he is right (even though I do not agree with his policy) but now it has become visibly clear why he told me this story to begin with. He is looking for me to be his Cassie and I know I have no intention of partaking in this open relationship of his with Kim Porter in the wings.

Once again, I turn the conversation to a neutral end about how it’s important for people to be honest about what they are looking for at the beginning of any sort of relationship so there is no deception regarding where things are headed. He agrees and takes it as a further cue to swoop in. As any proud father would do, he pulls up pictures of his genetically blessed kids on his phone and flirtatiously mentions that our kids would look just as great or even better. BREAKS!!!! I have left the Cassie zone and am now in the JLo/Puffy shiny suit era. I laugh off his suggestion with the “oh you’re so crazy!” giggle but I’m thinking, get the hell out of this convo now! We hug and part ways and I am running far away from this suggestion like my uterus depends on it.

Flash forward to now 4 months later, I run into Diddy once again and it’s about a couple of months before Kim is about to deliver their bundle of joy. We do the New York air-kiss and hug and as a joke, he places his hand on my belly and says, “Ok good, was just checking to see that you’re still waiting for me.” Major PAUSE!!! He is indeed after my uterus, I grin but for damn sure will NOT be baring any kids soon!

SMH some men are just in love with spreading their seed. 

19

Nov

The Actor by V

I normally do not mix business with pleasure. But when curiosity gets the best of you: “What the hell?”

I meet a lot of high end people where I work. The Actor wasn’t necessarily a celeb, he had worked and for some reason, he just had a spark to him. I meet a lot of actors and usually have no interest, but for some reason, there was a vibe.

I asked, “Are you from New York?”

He said, “Yea, how’d you know?”

“Because I’m that good.”

He told me he was born in Israel and that he grew up on the Upper East Side. Before he left, he went up to me to shake my hand, “A pleasure to meet you.”

Whether he kissed my a** to get closer to the Casting people or he thought I was cute, we became Facebook buddies. I threw out the invite to drinks, but only because I was being network-y… (okay fine, I was opening the door).

We met up at this bar in Hollywood. I was trying to keep it professional. I thought it would be weird, but he was actually really good about keeping the tone. With a drink in hand, he grabbed me a beer from the bar as we sat down and shot around industry blah blah blah. Then of course, he mentioned this movie he was writing and how he was trying to get it produced.

Ugh.

But he was charismatic as hell. So when he said he was selfish and vain and not a very good boyfriend, I knew the only other thing he was after besides kissing my a** , was getting some a**.

But, “What the hell?”

So when he asked me if I wanted to go to his apartment, I paused for a moment and thought long and hard before I said, “Yeah,”

I was also drunk, so that might have aided in my decision making. I had him drive my car down the street to his place (ha, he had that all set up, the bar was on the same street).

His place was immaculately clean and really nice. I was jealous.

We sat and talked for awhile on the couch.

“So do you ask every actor at work to drinks?” He asked.

“No.” I responded.

“As long as you know I expect sex.”

I laughed. I knew he wasn’t joking.

He finally ponied up and made the first move. He was one of the best kissers I ever had. I made out with him and got his shirt off. He might have been skinny, but his body was cut really nicely. Then he got my shirt off.

It was getting hot. And then I couldn’t resist, I pulled out his …

It was really nice. Really well kept. I couldn’t help myself.

I knew even though I wanted to, I couldn’t have sex with him. It would just mess me up too much. He complimented me on my “skills” and then we cuddled as he repeated that he was selfish and vain and not a very good boyfriend. I nodded my head, “Uh-huh.”

After I went to the restroom to put myself back together, I came out to find that he had a little star machine that reflected the entire universe on his ceiling, as I lied on my back and looked up. It was a nice moment.

As I left the apartment, there was no talk of a next time, he kissed me and called me “Darling.” Ugh. And even worse,  he saw the disappointment on my face.

He asked that I text him to tell him I got home safe. I did and haven’t seen him since… except on television.

V

Check out more stories from V @ Confessionsofav.tumblr.com