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17

Nov

Bring a Towel…

 

I met him back in elementary school…fast forward 20+yrs.  Its a whole new era, we now have facebook to remind us of our past and bring back those God awful school pictures that still haunt me today.  So about a year ago, I was tagged in picture on facebook from 3rd grade, everyone and their mama was commenting on the picture.  You see, after I moved away I only kept in touch with 2 people from those days.  As soon as I check, I had two friend requests…damn the person who tagged me! I accepted both and it turned out that they remembered a lot more about me than I did of them…but they were cute, so hey! Why not?! Lol.

I gots to talking with one of the two guys in particular.  He was fly and when I say fly…I mean fly!!!  Puerto Rican (are you noticing a trend here?), tall and just fly…(did I say that already?) When we started talking, I realized he was actually really funny…okay so a good sense of humor AND cute?  NICE!  Jackpot.  But that’s where it ended…he started telling me about his life and what he had been up to since 3rd grade…CLEARLY, we had a lot to catch up on…lmao.  He grew on me quickly and I know he was definitely feeling me and the feeling was mutual…

He started pulling out all these pictures from elementary school and started posting them on FB and tagging me all over the place…EMBARRASSING…but nevertheless cute, I guess.  He was also commenting all over my FB page, calling and texting me all the time.  Okay…this was definitely leading somewhere.  So he came to my neck of the woods, we grabbed coffee and hung out a while…we kissed (it was really really nice)…I was actually liking this dude.

But that’s when all the niceness stopped…I started finding things out about him that were automatic turn offs…he was a HUGE weed smoker…and when I mean huge, I mean like Bob Marley ain’t got shit on him status! He had children (yes, plural) and he had a mystery job…whenever I asked him questions, he would avoid them…hmmm, extremely suspect.  But of course, I kept on with this madness for a while…

One day he calls me up and tells me that he’s going to be in my neighborhood and that we should hang out and possibly go back to his place.  I tell him that I won’t be home till later that night and that I would meet up with him then. From the time I initially spoke to him to the time we were supposed to link up…he called me about 10times and texted me more times than that. I told him to relax that we’d meet up soon.  He calls me again and tells me that he was growing impatient waiting for me…I tell him to go ahead and leave, that I’ll drop by his place later that night.  I got home, showered…as I was packing my overnight bag, he starts texting me…yet again.  

Him: “Babe, when are you going to get here?”

Me: “Soon”

Him: “Okay, hurry”

Me: “Yes, I’ll get there soon.”

Him: “Babe, remember to bring a towel.”

Me: “A towel? HUH??”

Him: “Yea, you’re planning on sleeping over, so bring a towel to shower…duh!”

Me: “You don’t have any towels?”

Him: “I haven’t done laundry.”

Me:  ”Ok.”

At this point, I am mortified and contemplating not even going…you don’t have not ONE extra clean towel ready for that unexpected visitor?  What was I stepping into?


That should’ve been my first sign to stay my ass home.    

So I get to his apartment…first thing I see is a pile of clothes thrown on the floor and as I walk through the living room, the whole apartment reeks of weed.

Okay. Seriously, what have I gotten myself into?

As I laid in his bed, I kept thinking to myself "what if he has bedbugs?" LMAO! I couldn’t sleep at all that night thinking that.  But thankfully, after a quick inspection of the bed when he left to use the bathroom, I managed to catch some zzzz’s and make it to work bedbug free with a slight weed stench.  ugh.

The following days, we kept in contact, business as usual.  

I went back to his apartment.  The next morning I joked about not having a towel with me…he tells me I could use his…okay.  WTF is going on?  Does this dude not own extra linens? 

I get out of the shower and I hear this:

"BITCH, FUCK YOU, you’re a dumb ass bitch who wants to fucking use me for my money…you’re a whore"…

I was completely HORRIFIED.  Who the hell was he talking to like this???

He puts the phone down for a second: "Babe, I’m sorry it’s this crazy ass bitch of my baby mom’s calling me asking me for more money when I gave her money yesterday."  

I left his apartment, vowing to never return again.  I updated my facebook status that morning ”Lesson Learned”…do you know that he called me and asked me why I was talking shit about him on facebook? WHAT?? How does “Lesson Learned” translate to me talking shit about you…please son, get over yourself.  

Obviously, I didn’t learn my lesson the first or second time…(but you know when you’re attracted to someone, it’s kind of hard to break that cycle…smh)…because one summer night, him and I spoke and I ended up at his apartment again.  

He told me he didn’t have towels and that once again I could use his towel…needless to say, I air dried myself in the bathroom and left his apartment and vowed never to come back again…

Moral of the story: Towels are the quintessential sign of a put together home. If he don’t got them…RUN.

-Juicy Judy

15

Nov

Redemption

In my past I survived “The Relationship.

You know the one I’m talking about.

The on and off relationship you have with ‘that guy’.

The guy that you love and he pretends he loves you, but always messes it up.

The guy that has met your family; spends major holidays with you and your family, but has a failure to officially commit.

The guy that you think just needs time to see how fabulous you are.

But in time he just continues with the same hot/cold behavior.

My ‘relationship’ with that ‘guy’ lasted three years.

After ruining two stable relationships I had with good guys.

Ruining a possible engagement.

After a pregnancy scare and a domestic abuse event we officially ended.

The domestic abuse event put me over the edge. No matter how much someone tells you they love you, they should never put their hands on you….PERIOD….FULL STOP!

When we ended… we did not speak or see each other for over two years. I made sure to cut all ties; mutual friends, hang out spots etc.

Initially I was so mad at him, if I saw him in the streets I would have broken a bottle and stabbed him in his face, then grabbed his special parts with a clamp, squeezed and turned many times; laughing in his face screaming ‘You know what you did!’…LOL. 

But I’m in a better place ;) Te he he.

Two years later at an urban elite BBQ, I was confronted by all ‘the guy’s’ friends. They all approached me with warm hugs and smiles asking where I had been and telling me they missed me.

I knew ‘the guy’ had to be close….and he was. He made sure to avoid me the entire day.

It was fine. I knew he was an asshole. 

Fast-forward to the fall. A friend had invited me to a lounge/ concert. Free liquor…free food. It was fabulous; great crowd, great music, good fun.

As the event progressed, I go for a drink at the bar and in the corner of my eye…I see a guy that looks familiar…
Inner Me: WTF was that 'the guy’…Nah…No way!
I get the drink and walk back
I look again at this dude, who is now intensely staring at his phone…almost purposefully not looking up.
Inner Me: Yes, yes, that is ‘the guy’….GRRRRRRR

I walk back to my friends and explain that the ‘that guy’ is here.
One of my close friends knows who I am talking about and is pissed…ready to kick ass.
I on the other hand do not want to be gansta and confront him with a posse.
I am in a better place.
I then explain our history to the rest of the group.
The rest of the group is horrified and want to kick his ass as well.

We mingle and immediately are a few feet away from ‘the guy’ and his posse.
Two members I do not recognize. The other is this lovely tall light skinned beauty (John). We met when I was on and off with ‘the guy’.
I told ‘the guy’ I would sleep with John…he told John to stay the hell away from me.

The stare off begins!
John is looking dead at me. ‘The guy’ is looking on and off.
I walk away, getting something from my bag (never backing down from a stare down)
When I return ‘the guy’ is looking relieved that I am gone but then realizes I am coming back and looks away.
The stare down continues…..

I win round one; ‘the guy’ and posse walk away.

Then while walking towards the bathroom with a friend, John (my light chocolate shake…RAR) takes my hand and pulls me out the crowd to say hi.
‘The guy’ is a foot away…I see him look back.
I give John a hug and kiss on the cheek. Ask him how he has been…chit chat.
I then realize my friend is gone and tell John it was nice seeing him and run away.

After returning from the bathroom…I tell the group the John update….the plot is thickening….

My close friend has on her leather gloves and is ready to throw down.
Then…’the guy’ comes from a different area and is walking towards me.
I immediately point at him and show the group…who he is.

By the time I look up again…’THE GUY’ IS BESIDE ME!

Scene:
‘The Guy’: I figured I had to come over and say hi.

Me: Yeah, you know I’ve been talking shit about you.

‘The Guy’: Sorry I didn’t say hi before. I wasn’t sure if it was you
(Please keep in mind. I just have in a weave and a tan….I haven’t had drastic plastic surgery.)

Me: Um, whatever. You know you are an asshole. Hey everybody! This is ‘The Guy’…the asshole.
(He then proceeds to introduce himself to the group.)

‘The Guy’: Hi, I’m ‘The Guy’, the asshole.
(shakes hand)
Hi, I’m the asshole.
(shakes hand)

The Guy’: (to me) You know I wasn’t that big of an asshole.

Me: Come on…the shit in the end…big time asshole-ish

‘The Guy’: (he pauses and hesitates) Well…um…yeah. I was a different person (hesitate). It wasn’t a good point in my life. (mumbles) Sorry.

Well anyway, I just wanted to say hello.

Me: Ok, cool, lets just hug it out.

(Entourage reference, a show we would quote all the time.)

‘The Guy’: (Smiles) Let’s hug it out.

(We hug. He attempts to give a sentimental hug. I do a contact pat on the back hug.)

Me: (whispering in his ear while pat hugging) Fuck you; you are still an asshole.

‘The Guy’: (Smirks) Its good to know you haven’t changed.


He walks away.

I have won.
I’m on a high
I feel awesome.
I have a great night and meet a couple of guys while also having a photo shoot with the event’s photographer.

I pour some liquor on the ground to acknowledge my fallen sisters who could not see this moment of triumph.

I feel energized for world domination. I have had my redemption…a feat many girls do not get in life.

Now I plan on finding my light chocolate milkshake, John, to finish the deal!

12

Nov

I Got a Spot by Lady Bk Alde

I teach dance, and men who are around always try to find a way to get a date.

I was teaching a group of JHS boys on the weekends, and their older cousin was always around. After about 2 months of watching me come and go he finally asked me out.  Now, he was very cute, nice dark skin, nice white teeth, nice swagger, the only reason why I hesitated was because he was pocket size…bite size…..mini me….I’m 5’7, and the minute you are 2 or more inches under that and I can put you in a tea cup, we have problems…but even though he was purse size, I decided a date would do because he was cute, cute, cute, so why not.

First thing that goes wrong-he picks me up about 20 minutes late. I get on him a little bit but let it go, and after a few minutes of joking and talking he is still cute, he’s actually funny, but it hits me-he has no plans.

So whatchu wanna do?” He says.

“Well what did you have planned?’

“You know I was thinking we could chill or somethin, I got a spot”

Silence.  Now—- I am glaring at him, I am sitting in the passenger’s seat looking at him because I think if I look at him long enough he will be able to pluck an idea out of my brain, and….it works I guess because he speaks.

“Lemme make a stop by my cousin’s real quick to pick something up.”

I tell him ok, hoping he will pick up some date ideas while he’s at it. He pulls up to his cousins and hops out.

Ummmm can someone please tell me why this grown ass man is sitting on a pillow?!  Not a pillow I can ignore or one that blends in either, it’s a smurf character pillow; she was blue and white and had on a yellow dress.  My eyes are stuck on this blaring highlight of his height deficiency and I’m reminded now ONCE AGAIN as to how mini my mini date is- I’m also reminded I’m wearing heels so my 5’7 is at least a good 5’9 now. I sigh, suck it up and busy myself on twitter.  At least his truck is big. In about 5 or so minutes he comes up to my window

“Ay yo, my cousin says we can have a drink by him and watch the game”

Is he out of his mind? I am immediately thinking “Victim” No my ass will NOT be going to you (STRANGER) and your cousins (2nd STRANGER) to “drink and watch the game” or in the words I heard -get rufeed and raped.  So I tell him:

“You can jog right back inside and tell your cousin plans have changed” and I even throw in a smile at the end because I am coming back home in one piece and if this nucka tries ANNNNYYYTTHHIIINGGG he knows he’s gonna get jacked up (and yes, that smile said it all).

So he moves his tiny legs as quick as he can (and you know the shorter they come the smaller the strides so let’s give him a moment) and hustles back in to tell his cousin the rapist the bad news.

10 minutes later he hops back in the car (on top of that dumb ass pillow) smelling like he swam through a field of weed, eyes so glossy I was able to touch up my lipstick while looking in them. The scent is so damn thick I have to open my window, so no ignoring the obvious; I used my hands, cleared the smoke and asked

“So….you smoke”

 “Not that much, only on occasion.”

“Going on a date with me must be one of the special ones then!”

He laughs, he actually cracks up and I let it go because I know he’s been influenced by more than my humor.

 “So sweety you hungry, you wanna get some food?”

Now I’m starving, and I don’t play that “I’m too cute to eat when I’m on a date stuff- we both already know I’m cute that’s why I am here. So YES, I am starving-but at least I don’t respond the way I’m thinking. So I just simply say

“I could eat”

“Well whatchu like?”

“Anything, I’m not too picky.”

“Aight I know some spots.”

So now I’m excited, I am ready for our real date to start, after an hour of nonsense we are finally about to get this thing going, like for real started…

PLEASE TELL ME WHY….we end up driving on Flatbush and this N*cka pulls up in front of a JERK CHICKEN SPOT.

So… this date is pretty much done but I can’t walk away, I’m not scared I’m intrigued that a dude might actually think he may be doing a good job on this one.  I’m a pretty free spirit so I’m going to go with the flow of it, but yes-this date is done and it is official we are just friends.

I put in my order for chicken & veggies (the carbs are murder so of course no rice) he hops off the pillow and out the car and goes inside.

Again, me & my homie smurfette are just sitting there looking stupid and I’m thinking “this n*cka got me, I should have just come out in flip flops and my hair wrapped.”

He comes back to the car with the food.

 “Where we going to eat this?”

“I know a spot.”

My head fell onto my shoulder so fast I couldn’t even help it-not this again; we already know how his last spot went. Now at the time I was a tweeting fanatic so all my followers already knew I was in the car with a weed smoking midget who may or may not be balanced, so I didn’t fear for my safety too much. I was fine with eating this at his house because again, twitter.

We pull a little further down Flatbush…off of Church Avenue

(Note for the non Brooklynites: Flatbush & Church avenue are the melting pots of West Indians and violent activity-not saying they go together…. they just go together on Flatbush & Church Avenues-Straight hood!)

As we drive further down he pulls into….. a parking lot.

 FML

I am sitting in front of  Graffiti Jay Z, Biggie, Martin Luther King and other random a$$ African Americans who are a part of this mural of nonsense, you know, one of the murals that just has all the black people in the world who ever existed just because every “hood” needs one. I started to tear.

No, not because I was crying, but because he had opened the Jerk Chicken and the pepper was so strong it started to irritate my eyes. I ask him to crack a window.

“So…where do you live, where’s your apartment?” Now he finds this question absolutely hysterical and after damn near choking mumbles

“Yea you know I gets around, I stay on the go so you know.”

Yeah I know that ish means no your ass does not have a place to live and you’re staying in someone’s basement. I had pretty much lost my appetite at this point and was just waiting patiently to go home.

“Why you not eating?”

“I’m good, just tired now.”

“Nah…I wanna see you eat.” He stops eating and watches me.

Awkward silence because now I’m thinking he’s a foodie, you know, one of those guys who likes to watch women eat because it turns them on.

“I’m good, I’m not that hungry right now.”

“What you watching your figure, sorority girls don’t eat? I wanna see you eat, so eat.”

As I sit and begin to nibble my jerk chicken and cabbage, I pray to the graffiti Rosa Parks in front of me to deliver me from my misery. After about 20 minutes he wraps up my leftovers, puts them in the bag and offers to take me home. He drops me off and hands me my bag of leftover chicken skin & bones and I tell him thank you and goodbye.

The next few days he tries reaching out to me and I text him

I’m good, we can just be cool

His response:

Just wait till I tell my cousins about this and how you treatin me!

Yes, this dude actually said he would tell on me. Smdh.  

This guy was obviously a waste of energy and I learned never to F* with a student’s family again-this is why you don’t sh* where you eat!

 But even though my pocket size date turned out to be a loser, all was not lost- thanks to him I got me a new Jerk chicken spot! Thanks homie!!!

X,

Lady Bk Alde

11

Nov

Con Ed (Part I)

I’m not the shyest one of the bunch, so when I spotted the hot sweaty and sexy Con Ed man hard at work on the city streets I had no choice but to make a B line for him. He had dazzling blue eyes and a charming smile. We quickly exchanged numbers and I went on my merry way. Done and Done!

Beep beep… A message from Con Ed already and I’m not even a block away, how creepy sweet . I’m usually used to the whole 2 day rule before a guy calls but what the hell, I’m all about being more available these days right? He asked me a couple of general questions and after a couple of days and establishing he wasn’t totally crazy we finally set up a day to do drinks.
 
Now you’ll come to learn that I’ve got a low tolerance for what I consider to be silly or stupid questions. I’m a “figure it out get shit done” kinda gal, so the moment Con Ed asked me to pick the location and a time to meet, give him the address and directions (that’s why god invented Mapquest, Hopstop and Google) and tell him what should be appropriate to wear, my red flags went up…. But again being more “open” I went into this date with all smiles. He was super charming and we had lots in common so I had my 3 drink date max and headed on my merry way with a long hug goodbye.

The next couple of days were filled with general “how are you” “how’s your day” texts until he finally asked me on a second date. He asked me to hang out after I got off work so I suggested dinner… His reply “Oh that’s right I almost forgot how much you lovvvveee to eat” Did he just call me fat?
Open L.O.L.A., you’re being more open… Ok

Me: Umm ok well if you have a better idea than you choose, I’m a bit swamped at work so I’ll give you some time to pick a place and I’ll give you a call when I’m a little less busy.


CE: Well whatever you want to do I’m ok with.  Sorry to hear you’re so busy, is there anything I can do to help?”

Me: Not really unless you want to come by and fax and file some stuff but thanks for offering. Lots going on here so I can’t really plan anything. So please just pick a time and place and I’ll meet you there.


CE: where do you work? How about I pick you up after work and you can tell me what you’d like to do then.

HUH? Did I miss something? Am I the only one noticing this pattern…
At this point I start to become a bit annoyed for several reasons:
1) I asked several times for him to decide on something to do, basically lining it up for him, giving him the opportunity to wow me with a nice dinner date and he keeps throwing the ball right back at me with his “whatever you’d like”. I immediately have flash backs to “Coming to America” where Eddie Murphy is given a servant as a wife to do everything he asks and some how she ends up barking like a dog as she hops on one foot saying “whatever you like I like”
2) I said I wanted to do dinner Just pick a damn place! Be a man! Take charge!
3) I’m at work, which usually has me extremely busy so chit chatting during the day isn’t really an option, and yet some how this one has managed to keep yapping about 6 texts too long.

I finally decide to stop replying since "I’m pretty busy here I’ll text you when its more quiet" doesn’t mean much to Con Ed.  So I put my phone away and get on the grind so that hopefully I can leave work at a decent time.

My day begins to finally quiet down, so I grab my phone and see that I have 6 texts and 2 missed calls.
"Hey hun, how are you"
"Hey hun are you there?"
"Hun Can you Talk",
"Would it be better if I called you hun?"
"hello?"
"Is everything okay hun?"
 And then when I didn’t reply to these texts he then proceeds to call me… Twice! Leaving one voice mail pleading for me to call him back to let him know I’m ok.
Now keep in mind, this is all happening over the course of about an hour. So I could easily have been in a meeting, on a conference call, running an errand and yet Con Ed still continues to stalk me by any means necessary.

After his back and forth, indecisiveness, reading all of these texts and hearing his desperation over the phone… I’m officially turned off for the day…

To Be Continued… 


09

Nov

808s & Dead Beats

I was 21, Slick was in his late 30s. I was an intern at a music production company; he was a producer that was represented by the company.  Slick was behind one of the biggest hip-hop artists we all know and love today. Slick had a cool, calm, and collected swagger that was never intrusive yet direct at the same time. One sly look and he knew how to melt any defenses that were inched together to create a unified front for masking flirtation or desire. Yes he was trouble….big trouble. We first met on my second day on the job, I was answering the phones and he walked in to visit the head manager of our firm. Slick nonchalantly walked in and from his build and style, Slick was not typically my type but once we locked eyes, he had me trapped in his gaze.  I had no idea who he was…

Me: “How may I help you?” Trying to maintain any decent composure while looking professional.

Slick: “I’m here to see Ed” He pauses, glances at me very quickly and discreetly up and down (though it felt like a lifetime) and then he grins slightly.

I coyly smile back and then dart my vision back to the flickering lights of the switchboard, which seem to reflect the erratic pattern of my ecstatic feeling.

Slick walks into Ed’s office. An up and coming producer that was waiting in the lobby attempts to whisper over to me but his excitement gets the better of him…”Was that Slick? THE SLICK??!!!”

In my head, I’m trying to process why I am not familiar with Slick’s career but either way, my deadpan delivery back to the newbie exhibited the corporate bitchiness needed as the gatekeeper of the company and I simply answer back with a matter of fact attitude, “Yes”.

The newbie starts to geek out and talk about all the records Slick is behind and whose career he specifically helped launch into colossal proportions and now I am definitely aware of who he is after newbie schooled me.

Slick walks out and newbie makes a point to introduce himself to him and thank him for the legacy he brought to hip-hop. I turn my eyes away out of embarrassment for this grown man. Slick is humbled and appreciates the love. As he’s about to head out, he stops over at my desk and says, “I’m sorry I never got your name.” I let out an uncontrollable but cute giggle and tell him my name and he says, “You have a beautiful smile, Sophie. See you later.” And now I start to geek out on the inside too.

The next time I see Slick is at a record release party about two weeks after our first encounter. I made sure to bring a wing girl, Kim, since I am deathly shy in general. The venue in the Meatpacking District is extremely crowded and Kim and I are milling around trying to find some elbowroom to at least breathe. Kim, who is connoisseur of anything bling, immediately spots a huge Jacob the Jeweler watch from across the room and her eyes start to follow the glimmer. I never notice these things and could care less but I do look up and see that the piece of bling belongs to Slick. He walks over to us and I introduce him to Kim. We exchange a few words and then get interrupted by my co-workers. We shift and move around to find a quiet spot again.

Once in the VIP area with the rest of my co-workers, Slick and me are sitting next to each other but attempt to not make a point out of it since everyone is around. He casually leans over and asks me what time it is and I pull out my cellphone since no one owns watches anymore and tell him “It’s 12”. He softly pulls my phone out of my hand, punches in his number quickly, hands it back to me and says, “Thanks!” all in the blink of an eye.  We socialize with the rest of the team separately and enjoy the rest of the night maintaining our different posts.

The next day, I shoot him a text so he has my info and he immediately calls me. We maintain contact on and off for quite some time. I find out a few weeks later that he has a similar relationship with another one of the girls at the company. At this point, I am not interested in hanging out or conversing with him anymore. I stop returning messages and just drop any form of communication. I end up leaving my internship due to graduating and getting a real job. About a year passes by and I have long forgotten about Slick.

On one of my lunch breaks, I decide to walk in a different direction than I typically would since the weather’s nice. While I’m waiting for a light to change, I look up and low and behold, Slick is also waiting for the same light to change only we’re about to cross each other’s paths literally. I am upset that I have to make any sort of eye contact but it is necessary in order for me to cross the street. The light changes and I walk briskly, he tugs my arm and we’re now in the middle of the street and I’m hoping that a bus hits him:

Slick: “Hey I haven’t seen you in a while. How are you? I walked back into the office one day and you were gone.”

Me: “Well I got a new job and I’m actually on my lunch break that’s about to end.”

Slick: “Alright I won’t keep you. Glad everything is going well and you look great.”

I hand over a fake smile and keep it moving. I lied. I actually had about 30mins left in my lunch break. I go window-shopping and decide to walk the long way back to my office building so I don’t run into him again. Knowing my luck of course, from opposite directions once again we meet in the middle of the sidewalk, right in front of my office building by chance. I’m starting to believe fate is my nemesis…

I am embarrassed by this second encounter but he doesn’t play into it and decides to breeze over the awkwardness. Slick asks me why I hadn’t called him in a while, mentions how he misses me and I explain that I lost his number, though I do not admit it was voluntary. We chat for about 15mins and he talks about his trips to Japan to promote his music and then the conversation takes a detour that I did not expect…

It turns out Slick has 5 kids, one of which is 17 and he downloads how one of his baby mama’s is after him for child support and is greedy. I am wondering how he kept all this from me for all this time and am even more pissed off knowing that not only was he an unabashed player, he also was a father of FIVE from THREE different baby mothers and he was probably hoping I would be the FOURTH!!! Slick gives me his number again and voluntarily I lose it once more! 

05

Nov

The Cynic by V



5 Signs You’re in F**kbuddydom

 

Sign #1: He will contact you out of nowhere.

Sign #2: You feel like a hooker.

Sign #3: No sleeping over.

Sign #4: His texts virtually consist of “Hi”.

Sign #5: Weeks, even months pass before you receive communication from him.

 

I met The Cynic right after some friend with benefits emotional disaster, another Jdate.com fiasco with another guy. I was trying to reprogram my monogamous female brain to “clean my pipes” because the fact was this: I needed to move on and I needed to get laid. Simple.

I was 25, working for the corporate man, 55 hours a week and living in Los Angeles. In short, I wasn’t meeting ANYBODY. The truth was I wanted a connection more than anything, a relationship with a man who cared for me and I cared about back.

Well Cynic… was not this man.

I had met Cynic via Jdate.com and I knew we had absolutely nothing in common. His photos showed he was super cute but he liked music like Neil Diamond, Live and 90’s gangsta rap. Live and 90’s gangsta I could identify with… but Neil Diamond? Folksy music? Um, really? You’re 26 and you like Folk?

I met Cynic at a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks. We had been texting back and forth after I suggested we meet the same day after we spoke on IM.

Finally, he just called me to confirm plans and… his voice was hot, “V?”

“Yeah, hi, sorry, I was just texting you back, I’m driving.”

“That’s why I called, figured it would be faster, you’re a fast texter though.”

“That’s why I went to NYU, right?”

He sounded like he was from the Valley, like me. Valley boys are a special breed. They’ve got that Sean Penn, Spicoli from Fast Times slight surfer drawl in their voice. In short, they are never ever good for me. Ever.

I sat waiting at the Starbucks. I didn’t want to buy anything and wanted to see if he would offer. This is a test: Is this guy going to try to use me for sex and never buy me dinner? A man paying is a sign that he is willing to invest, emotionally.

This too, never happened.

Cynic showed up, apologized that he was late and then excused himself because he ran into a professor from his law school that he was attending.

Then he came back and said, “Sorry, he’s my professor and I just had to ask him something really quickly.”

“Oh, it’s totally fine.” I actually really didn’t care all that much.

“Are you getting anything?”

“Um, no, you?”

“Nah.”

 I looked at Cynic’s eyes which were totally red. Cynic was a total stoner.

“I usually get very nervous in social situations, so I smoked up beforehand.”

“Well, no need to be nervous with me.”

Cynic also explained that he was in remission from cancer. WTF. He had cancer?! He’s 26! Lymphoma? What?!

Let me sum up the conversation here, he’s an introvert. I’m an extrovert. He’s a perv. I’m just sexual. He likes Neil Diamond. I don’t. Yet, when the conversation turned to sex, turned out I was attracted to the guy and he was attracted back. Figures.

He walked me to my car, we hugged and I figured I would never ever see him again.

That’s when I got an IM from him the following day:

 

Cynic: Hey indie rocker chick

(second to think if I should respond)

V: Hey Neil Diamond lover

Cynic: So would you be interested in meeting my brother?

V: Huh????????????

Cynic: Well, I think you might hit it off. He’s a nice guy.

V: Um, didn’t I just go out with you. Isn’t that weird?

Cynic: Well if you have someone for me then it’s not.

V: I might, but most of my friends are taken. Why would you try to set me up with your brother?

Cynic: Well, I like you.

Cynic’s points clearly plummeted and I didn’t really converse with him further. Till one night in December, during the holidays I was sitting home alone and he IM’d me again, but this time to come over.

 

Sign #1: He will contact you out of nowhere.

Uh-oh. You know what this means. He wants to have sex. Did I really want to do that? He could be dirty; seriously, I mean STD’s, etc. He had already explained he had his share of chicks at UCSB.

He lived with his parents and they were out of town. I lived with my parents and they were going to be home soon. (Don’t judge, this was a super bad economy, don’t you wish you could live with your parents too?)

I had driven all the way to Woodland Hills at 8PM on a Friday because I had nothing better to do and when I arrived he greeted me and he looked seriously hot. He had actually made an effort to look good. I sat in his kitchen while he offered me some food and tossed some frozen pizza into his toaster oven. He tried to entertain me and had this seriously charming smile. I fell for it.

We hung out in his room. Chit Chatted. He smoked. I did not. Things escalated. Next thing I know I have to stop things before we actually do have sex. This is the second time we have met and even I can’t go that far so soon. I do the “Have you been tested? Wear Condoms?” Q&A and make sure everyone is on the same page. He let me know there are a couple other girls that are in his circle, but that he’s not really looking for anything serious.

I turn on my side and nod my head, “Uh-huh, I get it, I get it.”

He had zero relationship potential, but if he was as good as he said he was, he could flush out the memory of my dreaded friend with benefits and quite frankly, rock my body.

The next time I came over, we did have sex. And he was as good as he promised. He didn’t like his neck kissed or making out in general.

 

Sign #2: I felt like a hooker.

After he got his, he went into detachment guy mode and got weird on me. Typical. He suggested we take a shower and it was the most awkward shower I had ever taken. We weren’t doing anything and there was nothing to really talk about. I was still drunk and since I do not drive in that state, I hung out at his place till 2PM till I hustled on home.

 

Sign #3: No sleeping over.

“Hi” is the official booty call text that opens the door to coming over, providing booty and then leaving. I started to ignore him. If he wants me, he can call.

 

Sign #4: His texts virtually consists of “Hi”. 

Time passed and then I was at work getting a call from my Dad telling me that my mother was in a car accident, “A bad one.” In that moment, I didn’t care about anyone or anything, my mind flipped and like a little girl, I started crying, in my corporate work fortress that never permitted real emotion. I raced to the hospital at 90 miles an hour to find my mom on a board, with a neck brace because some bastard t-boned her into a telephone pole and she had to be pulled out with the Jaws of Life. My mother was stable, but it was obvious he had done damage. After all the tests and X-rays, she had a pneumothorax in her left lung, fractures in her pelvic region and in the sides of her vertebrae in her lower lumbar region.

And suddenly I was my mother, making sure she was getting the proper care, getting her things, informing family members, staying with her to make sure the hospital didn’t kill her.  While they were moving my mom to a different wing at the hospital, I checked my phone and found a text from Cynic, “Hey V, who’s on your IM?”

 

Sign #5: Weeks, even months pass before you receive communication from him.

‘Shoot,’ I left that on at work and some silly temp responded.

 V: I’m at the hospital; my mom was in an accident.

 Cynic: Sorry to hear that kiddo.

 I didn’t really care about Cynic at this moment or the fact that he had ditched me after having sex. At this moment, I was completely numb. I texted him and asked him if he wanted to meet and smoke. I never smoke.

He texted me back and we decided to meet at… the mall. When I saw him, I didn’t expect him to be affectionate. But he greeted me with a hug. I was stone cold, flushed out of emotion, but as he held me, I became defenseless… vulnerable.

Then he grabbed my a**.

Afterward, he took me to In N’ Out. He paid.

I didn’t ever really know if Cynic was just a f**k buddy or a real friend.

My Mom, who was hospitalized for a week, thankfully recovered. I never told her about Cynic.

V

Check out more stories from V @ Confessionsofav.tumblr.com

03

Nov

D stands for Desperate & Douche = You.

I met this douchebag at a frat party back during my college days…he caught my attention within the first few minutes of me seeing him and I knew that I wanted to speak to him, heck! even makeout with him right there and then.  We did speak, makeout and exchanged numbers and even dated through the summer.  He was every college girls fake ass dream…available, hella cute, funny and a “gentlemen.”  He would always take me home (on the train, mind you) no matter how late it was…he lived Uptown and I lived in Queens and he’d always make sure to take off his jacket if I ever got too cold, but his gentlemenly ways…ended there…but more on that later…

I hung out with him all summer and never felt the need to put out…I think back and I’m sooooo glad I never did, I thank myself for that! 


This heffer pulled two memorable stunts that were worthy of a good slap across the face…

The first one…

The summer when we dated, he had invited me to his apartment…or shall I say, his parents’ apt and I went thinking we were just going to hang out, no strings attached.  So I went over and things started heating up…I knew that I didn’t want to take it there with him and made it very clear to him, he seemed to have been okay with it at the time.  As I was about to leave his apartment…he pulls out a condom; I ask him "what the heck are you doing?? I’m outta here!" He tells me, "ma, don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything"…do you know that this douche opened the condom wrapper and threw it on the bed??

Douchebag: "My brother knows you were here and since we didn’t have sex, I need him to think we did…"

Me: I was dumbfounded…what normal person actually thinks this way??? Clearly, only desperate losers!

I was absolutely turned off and even slightly disgusted.  It was an extremely pathetic thing to do. I told him I forgot something in the room, ran back, grabbed the condom and threw it in the garbage.  But knowing him, he probably grabbed another one after I left and did the same thing again…needless to say, I stopped speaking to him after that…

A few years later, he randomly hit me up and we started texting and talking again…he told me about his life and how he had 2 kids (one of which wasn’t his that he was raising for his baby moms, who was crazy…RED ALERT)…he was a real estate agent in Brooklyn and seemed to be doing well for himself.  He wanted to catch up again.  I thought perhaps he was more responsible and had grown up, so I obliged.

On a Sunday afternoon, he offered to stop by and pick me up so we could go for a stroll…he arrived in a White, S class Mercedes…I had to admit, I was impressed, perhaps he was really doing well for himself and had grown up into a mature man…umm yea, that thought lasted about a minute.  When he got out of the car, it looked like he had been playing basketball all day…he was sweaty, had basketball shorts and a jersey on, with a pair of Jordans…turned out he HAD just come from playing basketball without even thinking of showering first!! I kept thinking to myself, what the fuck was this heffer thinking showing up to see someone he hadn’t seen in years without first taking a shower?! 

We drove around and he showed me his properties in Astoria (as though I was gonna be impressed at this point…)…I kept asking him what he wanted to do? He’s like, something low key…I was thinking okkk?!?! Bowling, pool, movies, was that low key enough? He was thinking more in terms of hanging in his car or going back to his place…hmmmm, about that!

So we ended up hanging at a park a few blocks from my apt…a safe haven, lol.  We talked for a long while and he made his move, he kissed me.  I remember how good of a kisser he was, so I kept with it…a good makeout session never hurt anyone, right?  But clearlyyyy he had other things in mind…not even 5mins into us kissing, do you know that this heffer was like well, let’s go!  

Me:  Go where?

Douche: Back to my place…

Me:  ::Laughing:: I don’t think so…

Douche:  C’mon, we’ll take it from where we left off in the past…

Me:  You must have a distorted sense of history, because I remember it ended with me not talking to you…

Douche:  (As if to hurt my feelings)...well you weren’t that great anyway…

I laughed and left his ass right there in the park.  I remember walking away (as he thought I’d probably be back)…when he finally realized I wasn’t coming back, he ran out of the park and jetted down the block…I was already half way home and started running until I got to my door. He called me about 100times that night, leaving me messages to apologize…I never spoke to his ass again…

A few years later, a friend of mine was telling me how she met this guy, so she went on to show me his facebook page…it was the same guy! I warned her about his douchebag ways…but she didn’t listen at first, turns out that he tried pulling the same pathetic douchebag moves that he did on me, on her.  She dropped him quick! And we haven’t heard from him since…



The moral of the story?  If you meet a guy who’s so desperate to have sex, kick him to the curb…please.  No respectable man, should be THAT desperate…

-Juicy Judy

01

Nov

Night Cap

After Shakira (my navigation system in my car) got me lost and two hours late, I made an appearance at a co-worker’s friend’s dinner party in the lower east side.I was invited for a 2nd meeting with his old school friend, who was a medical director at a hospital in Virginia. Upon meeting him the 1st time 6 months ago, I wasn’t interested and even if I could force myself to be I was not about to be a part of the long distance relationship thing.

As I arrive at the table, I see Mr. Virginia, my co-worker, and a few more of his friends. As they make room for me to sit and I order a glass of wine to calm my nerves, my eye catches this individual who seems bored, always looking through his blackberry and when he does interact with the group always has a sarcastic comment.

As dinner continues, I find out that my sarcastic interest is a writer for ESPN; I start to swoon. An educated man that can write, is sarcastic AND works for ESPN, throw a cookie in the mix and it would be my heaven. Once I hear this, I immediately start my plan of attack, as the set up date, Mr. Virginia watches. Even though Virginia is sitting right next to me and ESPN is across the table, I start a conversation with ESPN. Asking him how his meal is, throwing in some sports news, basically letting him know I am a chick the digs sports.

Toward the end of the meal, we are sharing a dessert across the table and I start planning our summer dates at Yankee games in box seats. Our check has arrived and the party starts to leave the table. The restaurant is small so there is no time to linger, I meet ESPN outside.

When he meets me outside, there is a problem…

I can see the top of his head and his eyes are at breast level. (I did have on 5 inch heels but…COME’ON MAN!)

As soon as he notices the height difference he says:

“God damn, you are one tall ass chick!”

“How’s the air up there, do you have problems with eagles landing on your head all the time?”

I start to chuckle because his delivery is excellent.

I like him, his personality saves him from the height defect. The next week I create a plan of attack to set up a date.

1st step was to be facebook friends. When that didn’t get a date request, I took more drastic measures texting my co-worker to ask if he was interested.

The next day I got a text and a date set up.

We decided to meet in Throgsneck at a semi –casual restaurant with good appetizers and drinks.

He was coming from Connecticut and unfamiliar with the area. Therefore he decides to show up an hour late.

Yes, an hour late. You must be wondering how I could be that stupid to wait that long.

#1. It was the NBA playoffs and I got caught up in the game

#2. It was a restaurant that I frequently attended so I could not walk out of there with no date after all the staff questioned me.

ESPN finally shows up and I am already two white sangrias in so I was toasted.

He proceeds to talk all about himself. How his job is great, his family is great, his mother is amazing…blah, blah blah. I am already nicely toasted as the 3rd drink arrived and frequently going to the bathroom due to my strong alcohol intake. Apparently I was also speaking in ‘keep it realisms’ because many times he would say, “Does just about anything come out your mouth?!?”

Finally, after much delay our appetizers arrive, the Cavs lose and our meal is finished so I can escape this narcissistic conversation.

I thank him for the meal and start to exit the restaurant. We both get up and ESPN’s head reaches my armpit (PLEASE KEEP IN MIND I MADE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO WEAR FLATS ON THIS DATE).

I am mortified! He also attempts to put his arm over my shoulder and has to go on his tippy toes to do so thus, deciding to hold my hand.

As he walks me to my car I ask, where did he park? He explains to me that he could not find a spot so he parked a mile away from the restaurant. Because I feel bad for the midget dumb ass, I offer to drive him to his car. While in the car he is making annoying, flirty comments about my ‘succulent legs’ and my body. I am officially disgusted and over him, wondering how drunk was I when I first met him to have even liked him.

When I get to his car he gets out the car asking: “What do you want to do now?” I am confused, because we just came from a bar/restaurant and it’s 12 in the morning.

So I inquire: “Would you like to go to another bar, get another drink?”

He says: “I was thinking a night cap at your house.”

I am now highly annoyed and can no longer be nice anymore and respond:

“Excuse me kind sir, but do you really think I would invite you to my house at this hour….

And if I was dumb enough to invite you to my house, do you really think I would sleep with you?

REALLY?!?”

He then responds: “Let’s just see where the night will take us.”

I then start my car up and say: “Um, no thanks, good night kind sir” and speed off.

He never called again, but his facebook status that night was “missed the Cavs, missed the fight, and didn’t mind … too much”

I minded a lot…waste of time midget.

29

Oct

"Operation Phase Out" by Vodka (Part II)

Date: everything ok?

 

Me: OMG!!!!!!!!!! I think a family member of my sis-n-law is in the hospital. I gotta go.

Date: Really? Omg, what happened?

Me: Not sure, but I think she needs me though. (By this time I saw the sad look on his face and I couldn’t just leave)

 

Date: I can take you, I totally understand.

 

Me: Well, let’s grab a quick bite. As soon as she calls I need to run though.

 

Date: Oh ok, great, I’ll drive you when she calls.

 

We get to the restaurant. It took a minute to find a place since he knew nothing about human entertainment! I also wanted a restaurant as close to pitch black as possible. We find one. We park. Get inside & get seated. You know there are those couples that make you stare & question why they are together. Yea, well that was US. I skimmed the menu and decided I would only have the veggies side dish b/c I was ready to consume 3 cocktails and thought I shouldn’t let depression increase my carb intake.

Waitress: Are you guys ready to order? Or do you need a few more minutes?

Me: No! I’m ready. I’d like the Pisco Sour, please! (The spot was Peruvian, so when in Rome!)

Date: I’ll have the chicken. Does that come with potatoes? Oh and a Sprite, please.

Me: You don’t want a cocktail?

Date: No, I don’t drink. I never have. It’s never been my thing.

Me: (with a look of horror) EVER? Why?? Really? OMG!

Waitress: (Looking at me) I’m sorry, are you ready to order your entrée?

Me: I’ll just have the vegetable side dish.

Waitress: just the side dish?

Me: (with what men in my family call the standard look of death all women in my family have) Yes! Just the veggies.

 

Date: Does that shock you?

Me: Ummm, yea, I mean…..you know what? Whatever (giggling) I totally understand, that’s cool.

His cell phone rings. Speaks quickly and hangs up.

Me: (thinking who could it be that it was so important to answer during our date) Is everything ok? Do you need to leave?

Date: No, no, not at all. That was just my mom. She knew I was going on a date and just wanted to make sure you weren’t some psycho girl trying to rape me.

Me: (Jaw dropped w/my already empty glass in hand) Are you serious? That was your mom?

Date: yea, she just worries.

Me: (giggling & thinking if this is really happening) Is she ok? Please update her and let her know that I’ve never raped a man. This is a first! I actually need another cocktail. I know you don’t drink, so I hope you don’t get freaked out.

Date: No, not at all. My mom is fine, she just worries, I don’t really go out and if I do it’s not so late.

 

At this point I heard enough and excuse myself to the ladies room. I take my phone & tell my sis-n-law she should abort my escape plan, I was at dinner & would get myself home. As I’m walking back to my table I see one of my male friends getting takeout! FML! There was no way he wouldn’t have seen me so I had to say hi. I walked past my table as if I hadn’t even been sitting there and went to say hello.

Me: Heeeeeyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! What are you doing around here?

Male friend: hey babe!! I’m getting food (giggling) you know I live around here.

Me: Right! Oh, good, good.

Male friend: Who are you with?

Me: Me? Oh, well (whispering) I’m with a guy friend. He just broke up with his gf and really needed to get out, so I felt bad. Anyway, let’s do wine soon!

Male friend: yes, def, my place, we haven’t hung out in a while.

Me: Great! Nice seeing you.

 

I walk back to my drink date.

 

Date: Hey, everything ok?

Me: yea, that’s just a good friend. I forgot he lived around here. Omg, I’m so tired. Is it ok if we leave?

Date: Really? Oh, ok. Should I drive you to the hospital?

Me: No, just home. I haven’t heard from her, I’m sure everything is fine.

 

We get to my block and as he pulls up to my house I see my neighbors out!

Me: Omg, please leave me at the corner and there’s no need to walk me to my door.

Date: (laughing) what happened? You ok?

Me: Yes! I’m fine. Well, my neighbors are out and well the last thing I want is for them to see me with a guy. I don’t want them to think I’m promiscuous. (As I think to myself, the online dating souls standing outside already hate me b/c they’ve witnessed a fair amount of visitors) 

Date: oh, ok. I understand. People are always nosey.

Me: Ugh I know. Ok, well, thank you so much. It was great catching up. (I jump out of the seat and head to my apartment w/out leaving any time for small talk).

 

In reality I could care less what my neighbors think but this guy just didn’t meet my usual standards and that made me uncomfortable. I get upstairs and regret not having a 3rd drink b/c this was one for the records! I update my mom, friend & sis-n-law and during this I get a text from him. He was asking if I felt a vibe between us. I thought how someone could be so delusional!!!!!! But respectfully replied the following.

Me: _______, thank you so much for the date. The show was amazing. You are very nice but I am not at a place in my life right now where I feel I should be dating. I’m sure you will find a very nice girl. I’m sorry.

Date: is it b/c you still want to party? I understand. Hopefully we can still be friends. Hearing about you and your events with your friends sounded fun and I thought it’d be fun to hang out with you guys.

 

I never replied. For those that know me, know that my way of dealing with things is by not dealing with them. Operation Phase Out in full effect. Ladies, always do your research!!

 

Keep it classy,

Vodka

xoxo

For Part I, visit: http://itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou.tumblr.com/post/1373049296/operation-phase-out-by-vodka-part-i


27

Oct

Private First Class

Hell, I’ve dated a lot of guys that get a good chuckle outta me… but way back when, the story was serious. It was the foundation for INMIDY… and it’s the story of a diva’s first (of several heart breaks). This is the story of Private first class…When I dreamt of losing my V Card, I thought there would be rose petals and scented candles all over, but instead it was a random night on his futon…But then, looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. He was my BEST friend. This goes beyond a bad date or two, cheap pick up lines, or stalkers…::cue the cheesy romantic music::  

I’d been best friends with Pvt. First Class for  years.. All throughout my childhood and into my senior year of high school.  We were partners in crime. Talking on the phone for hours into the night, sharing dating dilemmas (him about his girlfriends & me about my boyfriends) and giving each other helpful advice. He was the best. And obviously you can see how eventually something like this would develop into a relationship once we both were single at the same time and realized our attraction for each other.  For months it was all pure PG-13. After months of heavy petting and long make out sessions during hooky parties (I’d still been holding onto my virginity for dear life at this point), I started to seriously ponder the idea of him being my first. Why not, he was my best friend, and who else would I always be able to count on and look back at fondly.  But when he graduated high school, and told me about his plans to enlist,  I was devastated and now more than ever hell bent on having him be my first. So we eventually did the deed and of course it was way more awkward and fumbly than I’d hoped.  Elbows and knees in the wrong place, him asking if he was doing it right (how the hell should I know) and me wondering if he was done.  Far from magical, but indeed memorable. And afterward he offered me a pepsi and a cigarette, and I obliged since that’s just how it went down in the movies.  

A few months later off he went for his 4 month long training. The first 2 months weren’t as bad as I thought, we wrote each other 2-3 times a week, and a phone call here and there kept our relationship going. His letters and calls came in a bit less frequent the last couple of months but he blamed it on the intensity of the training and his exhaustion, yada yada yada.. And I ate it up like the young school girl that I was.  Then finally it was time for him to return! I couldn’t wait to see him and offered to pick him up; he said it wasn’t necessary since there’d be lots of forms and paper work for him to handle and that I’d be bored so he promised to call me when he finally got home.

What felt like an eternity later he finally called, and even though it was extremely late (and a school night) I insisted on going over to see him. Again he didn’t think it was a good idea since it was late and he was exhausted from the trip but promised that we would get together once he settles in. Three (long) days later we finally set some time to meet.  It was like christmas day for me… I met him with such enthusiasm and he just didn’t seem the same.  He sat me down and said we had to talk (damn, there goes that rock in the pit of my stomach) I’ll never forget this moment, because this was the moment I had my heart broken for the very first time. (and of course 2 broken hearts & 10 years later I finally learned that no one dies from a broken heart)

He’d met someone and fell in love with her during training, Burn…. She was here in town, staying with him and his family….. Double Burn. She’s pregnant, Triple burn….And he’s going to “do the right thing” and marry her once they’ve settled in to the city they’ve enlisted for…. Done! I got up and walked away. Refusing to let this boy see me cry.  After 2 weeks of ignoring his calls and emails he finally got the point and knew to piss off.

He’s reappeared several times over the last couple of years attempting to rekindle a bit more than friendship… And of course I’ve passed and also politely informed his wife that she was dealing with a first class asshole.

Moral of the story, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice I’ll kick your ass.