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03

Nov

D stands for Desperate & Douche = You.

I met this douchebag at a frat party back during my college days…he caught my attention within the first few minutes of me seeing him and I knew that I wanted to speak to him, heck! even makeout with him right there and then.  We did speak, makeout and exchanged numbers and even dated through the summer.  He was every college girls fake ass dream…available, hella cute, funny and a “gentlemen.”  He would always take me home (on the train, mind you) no matter how late it was…he lived Uptown and I lived in Queens and he’d always make sure to take off his jacket if I ever got too cold, but his gentlemenly ways…ended there…but more on that later…

I hung out with him all summer and never felt the need to put out…I think back and I’m sooooo glad I never did, I thank myself for that! 


This heffer pulled two memorable stunts that were worthy of a good slap across the face…

The first one…

The summer when we dated, he had invited me to his apartment…or shall I say, his parents’ apt and I went thinking we were just going to hang out, no strings attached.  So I went over and things started heating up…I knew that I didn’t want to take it there with him and made it very clear to him, he seemed to have been okay with it at the time.  As I was about to leave his apartment…he pulls out a condom; I ask him "what the heck are you doing?? I’m outta here!" He tells me, "ma, don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything"…do you know that this douche opened the condom wrapper and threw it on the bed??

Douchebag: "My brother knows you were here and since we didn’t have sex, I need him to think we did…"

Me: I was dumbfounded…what normal person actually thinks this way??? Clearly, only desperate losers!

I was absolutely turned off and even slightly disgusted.  It was an extremely pathetic thing to do. I told him I forgot something in the room, ran back, grabbed the condom and threw it in the garbage.  But knowing him, he probably grabbed another one after I left and did the same thing again…needless to say, I stopped speaking to him after that…

A few years later, he randomly hit me up and we started texting and talking again…he told me about his life and how he had 2 kids (one of which wasn’t his that he was raising for his baby moms, who was crazy…RED ALERT)…he was a real estate agent in Brooklyn and seemed to be doing well for himself.  He wanted to catch up again.  I thought perhaps he was more responsible and had grown up, so I obliged.

On a Sunday afternoon, he offered to stop by and pick me up so we could go for a stroll…he arrived in a White, S class Mercedes…I had to admit, I was impressed, perhaps he was really doing well for himself and had grown up into a mature man…umm yea, that thought lasted about a minute.  When he got out of the car, it looked like he had been playing basketball all day…he was sweaty, had basketball shorts and a jersey on, with a pair of Jordans…turned out he HAD just come from playing basketball without even thinking of showering first!! I kept thinking to myself, what the fuck was this heffer thinking showing up to see someone he hadn’t seen in years without first taking a shower?! 

We drove around and he showed me his properties in Astoria (as though I was gonna be impressed at this point…)…I kept asking him what he wanted to do? He’s like, something low key…I was thinking okkk?!?! Bowling, pool, movies, was that low key enough? He was thinking more in terms of hanging in his car or going back to his place…hmmmm, about that!

So we ended up hanging at a park a few blocks from my apt…a safe haven, lol.  We talked for a long while and he made his move, he kissed me.  I remember how good of a kisser he was, so I kept with it…a good makeout session never hurt anyone, right?  But clearlyyyy he had other things in mind…not even 5mins into us kissing, do you know that this heffer was like well, let’s go!  

Me:  Go where?

Douche: Back to my place…

Me:  ::Laughing:: I don’t think so…

Douche:  C’mon, we’ll take it from where we left off in the past…

Me:  You must have a distorted sense of history, because I remember it ended with me not talking to you…

Douche:  (As if to hurt my feelings)...well you weren’t that great anyway…

I laughed and left his ass right there in the park.  I remember walking away (as he thought I’d probably be back)…when he finally realized I wasn’t coming back, he ran out of the park and jetted down the block…I was already half way home and started running until I got to my door. He called me about 100times that night, leaving me messages to apologize…I never spoke to his ass again…

A few years later, a friend of mine was telling me how she met this guy, so she went on to show me his facebook page…it was the same guy! I warned her about his douchebag ways…but she didn’t listen at first, turns out that he tried pulling the same pathetic douchebag moves that he did on me, on her.  She dropped him quick! And we haven’t heard from him since…



The moral of the story?  If you meet a guy who’s so desperate to have sex, kick him to the curb…please.  No respectable man, should be THAT desperate…

-Juicy Judy

  1. warriorscribe reblogged this from itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou
  2. warriorscribe said: Christ almighty. smh
  3. itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou posted this