Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme



Dirty old man

My girlfriend and I went to a local bar for drinks to watch a Yankees game.

 During the game I was confused to see so many men in suits with earpieces. I was wondering if they were taping another installment of Men in Black or OBAMA was in town!

After realizing that neither Men in Black or Obama would come to the Bronx I was informed that Mayor Bloomberg was visiting the bar to watch the game as a part of his campaign for re-election.

While watching the game my eyes met with one of the ear pieced suits, who was secret security for the mayor. He had a nice build and light brown eyes. We flirted throughout the game. His co-workers joked around, continuing to question me on my age. I thought nothing of it, till our date.

For the date we went to an Italian restaurant in the Bronx (Please keep in mind I am a Manhattan girl so I was already annoyed). On the date it starts pouring buckets of rain outside, but we manage to make it to the restaurant ok.

As we order our drinks and food he tells me that he doesn’t drink alcohol (XX Fail XX) and is on some healthy man life diet (XFailX).

Two things I love in life are food and liquor. I proceed to order a glass of red wine and a huge plate of pasta. (I’m not playing, I know this meal is for free).

He is annoying me talking about himself. So I go through my normal speech:

“Any kids, fetuses, zygotes, baby mama’s, girlfriend, girlfriend in prison?”

He laughs, because I’m funny ;) and says:

“Yes I have children (XFailX).  I have a son who is 13years old”

 (I’m sweating and confused trying to figure out how to get out the restaurant in the rain)

“and I also have a 25 year old daughter.”

I cough and spit out my wine.

I am shocked, he seems fine.

I then ask: “Excuse me sir, how old are you?”

He responds: “45”

I go pale and start wondering if I just run to my car will I get soaked in the rain storm.

I then respond: “Um, excuse me how old do you think I am?”

He says: “I don’t know, probably in your early 30’s”

My head begins to spin and I correct him yelling: “I AM 25!”

He proceeds to eat dinner like I just didn’t say that I am as old as his daughter.

I am in a rage and panic all at the same time.

30’s, he thinks I’m in my 30’s?!

I must work too hard, damn the immigrant in me! I must drink too much.

This man thinks I’m old.

Most importantly after learning my true age he is ok with me being the same age as his daughter!

The next morning he sends me a picture of himself shirtless showing off his groin area/minus the money shot. I am even more disgusted and speechless.

So of course I go on a second date, LOL.

On the date he asks me about the picture he sent and I’m like:

“Thanks….I guess”. (I digress, but which demographic thinks that self inflicted naked pictures are a good idea to send someone?!? WTF)

Needless to say after the picture and the 2nd date I realized that I might have daddy issues but this psycho wasn’t the one to fix them.

Six months later, I am out with friends and around midnight I get this picture text from an unknown number. I open the text and find this grown man full Monty with a du-rag on with this unhealthy red tipped penis.

Of course I am disgusted therefore I show it to all my friends. The picture makes great cocktail conversation (pun, slightly intended)

Between the du- rag, the look on his face, the averaged size penis and the STD ridden pink penis tip, it’s the gift that keeps giving.

OOOO I sure know I to pick um…why am I single again. LOL.