Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

08

Dec

Happily Ever After…

As I’m sure many of you have, I went through a phase where just the sound of a motorcycle would get my heart racing. Yes I must admit, I was a biker lover.  One of my ex’s introduced me to the adrenaline rush of racing down a highway at 130mph with your arms wrapped tightly around your boo, and ever since we broke up I couldn’t shake the desire to get back on that horse with someone new!

This is where Family Guy comes into play…

On a hot summer afternoon I walked through the east village with a couple of girlfriends shopping around for hotties shoes… When we ran into a group of guys leaning up against their parked motorcycles (cliche I know, just keep in mind it was cool back then).  In between all of the hooting and hollering, I was approached by FG. He was such a gentleman compared to his riding buddies who thought winking and blowing kisses at a girl while patting on their passenger seat was a sure fire way to catch our attention.  After chatting with FG for some time I realized that this one was pretty good on paper.  He had all the basics that I required from a guy at 19 years old… He was over 21, had a job, bike (or car), and didn’t live with his mom! Jackpot!!
We exchanged info and I couldn’t wait until my first ride out on town with him!
A couple of days later I agreed to let FG pick me up from a friends place for dinner and a ride.  Just as hot as I remember, he picked me up on his bike and whisked me away as we sped off to a bar.  We arrived at Essence, and even though I was born and raised in Brooklyn, I for the life of me could not figure out where I was.

FG was just as sweet as when I met him. We did the usual date chatting and all was going absolutely well until get took off his sweater revealing a tattoo

"Jacob & Jodi".

Of course I had to ask, “So, who’s Jacob & Jodi?” He replies ever so casually, “Oh those are my kids. Jacob’s 3 and Jod’s 1”.  My throat clenches up and I nearly choke on my appletini.  And in an effort to not sound as young as I actually am, I play it off cool with a “Oh two kids?  They must be adorable at that age.” FG then takes that as a sign that oh she’s cool with this and then decides to drop another bomb. He then says “Yea my wife and I didn’t plan on the second one but it just happened and she’s just such a blessing.” WTF!?!? NOW I’m panicking. I’ve been set up! I feel like one of those mice stuck on the glue trap, freedom within clear sight but can’t seem to move. I manage to cough out “oh you have a wife” and he casually replies “oh, yea thought I mentioned that when we met.” Dead silence…

He then excuses himself to the restroom and I instantly begin to phone all my emergency contacts in hopes of getting someone to come save me.  No one seems to know where this place is.  (This was way before internet on cellphones and Google being the go to bible) In a last ditch effort to save myself, I consider just gnawing my foot off to free myself from this glue trap grabbing my coat and running out of the place and worrying about finding my way home after I’m free. But unfortunately my hesitation to leave left no room for an escape as Family guy strolls back from the bathroom and flashes a huge smile when we lock eyes. “Oh good you’re still here!” He says as he takes a seat and signals the waitress to bring over another round of drinks.
 ”Umm what do you mean by that” I say. ”Oh well I figured I’d step away to the bathroom after telling you that I’m married to give you the opportunity to leave if you wanted to without making things too awkward.”

Damn it, that was my chance…
I sat through this charade for another 30 minutes before I began my fake yawns and he then finally offered to take me home. I sighed in relief when we pulled up in front of my friends place as I then hopped right off his bike, handed him his helmet and dashed upstairs before he could even think of kissing me. The family guy called and texted a few times asking to go for a ride just as friends after I told him to go home to his wife.

Lesson learned…. If a window of escape presents itself, take it!