Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
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It was a Friday night out with the girls. The meatpacking district didn’t work out, since we had one guy and apparently when you are 25, you are washed up in the club world.

My friends decide to head to this semi urban club in Chelsea. When we arrive I was worried since the bouncer was letting in a large amount of fat ugly girls. I figured I would just leave early, since the ambiance looked mediocre and I had to be at work at 7am the next day.

But when inside the music was good and the drinks were flowing at our table.

As I was dancing on furniture in 5 inch heels (my club standard), I noticed these tall, minority gentlemen in the VIP area.

Upon further investigation and confirmation by the DJ it was Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony. (NBA players for those that don’t do sports). I was ecstatic!

No more football players, I’m going to be on VH1 Basketball Wives! 

I start giving my best sexy dance routine on the table….

When that did not work I attempt to sit and be cool…

By this time I am five patron shots in.

I see Amare pass by our table as my gay friend is all over me asking me to spell the players name for his blog.

I’m furious, because Amare is looking at me and this guy is all over me (a guy that doesn’t even like vaginas!)

I break free from my friend, cut pass security and hug Amare and drunkly slur out: ‘WELCOME TO NEW YORK!”…BY THE WAY, LEBRON AINT SHIT!”

He looks at me like poor drunk girl and I walk away, defeated.

Damn you alcohol!

As soon as Amare leaves the club, the lights turn on…its 4am!

Shit, I was supposed to leave early.

Instead I start driving home and get stuck in ridiculous night construction traffic.


I get off my exit and its 5.45am, I have work in an hour and am starving. So I drive out of my way to visit the 24 hour drive thru at McDonalds. I get to the window and order a Big Mac and fries.

The man says: “I’m sorry I can’t do that.”

So I say: “Ok, let me get something from the breakfast menu.”

He says: “No, you don’t understand we are closed.”

I’m about to go ape shit and scream: “WTF, how can a 24 hours drive thru be closed? This is false advertising! Does Obama know about this?!?”

He says: “I don’t know if Obama knows be we are always closed for an hour for our dinner to breakfast transition.”

I am furious!

And about to go ‘Chicken McNugget Lady’ ( on this McDonald.

Till I see that the Dunkin Doughnuts across the street is open.

I swallow my anger, drive across the street and order the left side of the menu.

I get home, inhale my breakfast, shower and head to work for my 12 hour shift…

So in summary. No NBA star, No McDonalds, 3 eggs sandwiches and the most miserable 12 hours of my life….