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Cheapskate Charlie…

He’s the guy that all my friends liked, but he didn’t like anyone and yet, he liked me. 
He was very good looking, fit and just an all over nice guy…but one of my biggest turnoffs, he was cheap and I don’t mean “I don’t have money, so can we go dutch?”. No, he was the kind of guy that saved his whole check, went shopping all the time, lived at home with moms, traveled and lived what seemed to be the good life.  So what was the problem?

Listen, I’m not opposed to going dutch after a certain point during the relationship…HELL, I don’t even mind treating him to dinner…but if you’re cheap off the bat, nothing will send me running for the hills quicker than that…there’s no remedy in the world for that disease.

The first time we hung out, I didn’t actually think he liked me.  I thought he just wanted to chill as friends, since we had mutual friends…he wanted to go shopping because he thought I had a good sense of style and could offer a good opinion…after a few hours of walking around and only buying ONE SHIRT (that I didn’t even give my opinion on…lol), we nded up a nice restaurant that I often went too.  It was a nice time and when the bill came we went totally dutch…which I didn’t mind, since it wasn’t a date.

We started talking more often and I sensed that he was starting to like me, which was cool considering that I thought he was actually very nice…

He asked me to hang out again and after we went to the movies, we ended up at a dinner.  Great laughs, good times…then the dreaded bill…so now that it was obvious that he liked me, what was he going to do? Surely enough, he said “its $18.54 each.” I died, I gave him the $20 and just shook my head…this was the beginning to the  

We got to the train station and it turned out his train was closer than mine.  He didn’t even offer to walk me to my station. I just laughed it off and kept it moving.  He then texted me and apologized for not having walked me…I guess not all was lost…

We went on a few more dates, in which we went dutch.  I was starting to question whether he was actually interested.  I come from the school that if a man wants to court you he will do so by not only spending time with you but by offering to take you out and paying for you, AT LEAST until the courting stage was over and you were in a relationship…

I decided to test him.  On one of our dates, we went to a diner and when the bill came, as oppose to doing what I was already accustomed to with him, taking out my wallet and pulling out money, I let it sit there…and sit there it did. He didn’t touch it and as I grew more and more nervous, hoping that he’d pick up the tab, so he could prove to me he wasn’t a cheapskate…it continued to sit there…I was DYING to just take out my card and pay for it, but I needed to prove a point.  ::He is not a cheapskate, he is NOT a cheapskate, he is NOT a cheapskate:: I kept chanting to myself…surely enough after about half an hour of sitting there, he finally took the bill, looked it over and paid for it.  I sighed with relief…but satisfaction didn’t last too long.

We decided to hit up Pinkberry after dinner and as I’m waiting for my our fro-yog to be handed to us, he turns to me and says in a matter of fact tone, "you got money to pay?" I told him I did, and he grabbed the fro-yogs and walked to the back of the line…I didn’t know what to say to that…I always carry money, but who says that? I paid for the fro-yog and was completely turned off to the point where he could tell that my demeanor had changed.  I didn’t care about paying for the damn yogurt, but did you HAVE to ask me whether I had money?!?!  Ugh.

He calls me up one night and asks me to be his date to his friend’s birthday party.  I agreed to go.  The night of the party, I had been in a funky mood all day and really didn’t feel like going out, but I sucked it up, dolled myself up and headed out to the venue.  When I get there, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "someone’s overdressed for the occasion"…I was shocked. Did he just tell me I was overdressed???? Here I was, nice enough to be his "date" to what seemed to be a sausage fest of a party out of my element at this corny ass lounge and this guy tells me "you’re overdressed."  There was no, thanks for coming or you look nice…nothing. I knew I should’ve gone straight home, but I headed straight to the bar, I needed a drink.

He comes over to the bar and asks me what I’m going to order…

Me:  Whiskey and Ginger Ale

Him: Oh, sounds good.

Me:  Yea, I love it.

(Bartendar hands me my drink, but leaves to attend to another patron before I could pay him…)

Him: I’ll catch you in a bit (and he walks away)…

He didn’t even bother to offer to pay for my drink.  But then again, I wasn’t surprised. 
I go back to where he’s dancing with his friends and I try to loosen up and have a good time…before you know it, it was time for Drink #2.

I get my drink and head back to where he is.  

He starts dancing up on me and grabs my hand and pulls my drink towards him and start sipping from my straw…

WTF was this Mofo doing?? So not only did he invite me out as his ”date,” and not even offer me a drink, but now he was standing there sipping from the drink that I BOUGHT…was he serious??!! 

That was the last straw.  

I kept on dancing and pretending to have a good time, when the night was over…I was out. 

I spoke to him a few times after that, but it was pretty much done for after that.  

We talk occasionally but I never hung out with him again…



The Caveman…

Up to now…this is probably one of the most classic dates I’ve ever been on…

This guy had potential, he really really did.  I wanted to make this one work…he had plenty of qualities that I look for in a guy: smart, funny, goodlooking, tall, good credit (LOL!), etc.  He even had light eyes!  Not to mention, his resume was beyond impressive….I was actually excited to meet this guy.  You see, a friend of mine from High School set me up with him after I had seen his pictures on her page.  She was happy that he was finally getting to know a great woman (me!) and that she knew it would work.  She set me up…BIG time.  She failed to mention that homeboy had caveman qualities and lacked some serious manners.  

Before we went on our first date, we spoke on the phone a few times, it seemed like we had a few things in common. 

1st date - We decided to link up on a Sunday afternoon.  He had made it clear that it was Sunday and he had to be home to watch football, so that we’d just have lunch and that’s it. Okay cool, I had never had a guy give me a time frame on a date before, so this was a first.  It didn’t bother me considering that Sundays were my relax days. We met up at a local restaurant, and he walked in wearing a hoodie and a thundercats tshirt.  I couldn’t help but laugh…here I was semi-dolled up and he was in a Thundercats shirt.  I guess I was lucky he didn’t show up with a football jersey and a helmet.  On any other day, I would’ve taken this as a sign of carelessness, not to put a little more effort into your outfit when meeting someone, but I was interested in this guy, so whatever, so I let the wardrobe go.  We ate, talked, laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company, in the predetermined time that we had. Lol.

I texted him to thank him for the date.  He told me that he had a great time and that he thought I was gorgeous.  Definitely my kind of guy. LOL.

The days passed and we communicated more and more.    

2nd date - We went out to eat. He loves to eat and when I mean loves to eat, he LOVES to eat, but somehow manages to stay extremely fit.  So of course, we ended up ordering a ton of food that could probably feed a village. The only thing I cared about was the fact that I had my mac and cheese and my burger.  I shouldv’e known better then to have gotten excited about my mac and cheese, because it didn’t last too long.  As soon as he was done wolfing down his food, he proceed to take the mac and cheese (that was on my end of the table) and finish off the plate without even asking me if I wanted anymore.  Even before I could say, HEY, I wasn’t done, he wolfed down the mac and cheese, cleaning off the plate completely. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had licked the bowl too (which he didn’t thank goodness, if not I would’ve been mortified).  I guess my facial expression said it all, because he said "yea, we don’t share in my house, we just eat."  Uhm yea, I could clearly see that his manners were nonexistent.  Damnit!  

But I continued on…of course I did…smh.  


Time continued on and we texted and called each other more often…during one of our conversations on the phone…he says to me "coño tu si eres una animal."  (Translation: Damn you’re such an animal).  To some people, that wouldn’t have been so bad, but when you hear it in spanish, it makes it sound THAT much worse and as a Dominican, when you call someone "una animal," you might as well tell them they’re a dirty whore. I was completely flabbergasted.  Did this dude really just call me "una animal?!" I have a VERY strict rule about name calling…I just don’t do it.  If I don’t like you, then whatevs, but to someone I’m with or trying to get to know? Absolutely not, not even if I’m pissed off.  This shit caught me off guard…I usually have a sharp tongue and I’m quick with my responses…but I had nothing to say to this, that’s how shocked I was.  What was crazy, was that he thought it was funny.  I had to basically calm myself down and tell him I had to go.  As soon as I got off the phone, I called my sister, (who tends to puts things into perspective for me when I’m being dramatic)…was I overreacting son?!  She made it clear that I wasn’t…so I knew that I had to put the kabosh on this situation and quick.

A few days later (after getting over my anger), I agreed to have dinner with him. The minute I saw him, he already knew that I was pissed.  I didn’t even wait till we were at the restaurant to talk…I spoke to him as we walked…

Me:  Listen, I’m going to make 2 things clear to you.  1.  I don’t like to be called names, joking or not, its disrespectful and 2. We are NOT friends.  We are clearly interested in each other, but we haven’t known one each other long enough to say, we’re actually “cool.”  You are courting me, therefore, you need to respect me, if not, I will drop you, like a bad habit.

He was floored that I approached him this way and even embarrassed.  He didn’t know what to say for himself…He ended up apologizing a few times, told me he liked me and didn’t want me to feel offended and that he hoped I’d reconsider giving him another shot.  He seemed very sincere, so I accepted his apology and continued on with our night.  

I knew I had a long road with this one…his manners were atrocious…but of course, I continued on…I believe in giving people chances…everyone makes mistakes, right? Hmm…

3rd date - It’s a Tuesday night and we decide to link up to go to this beautiful Sushi restaurant that I’d been wanting to try. I got all dolled up and when he came to pick me up, he actually looked very nice as well. (Thank goodness the Thundercats decided to stay home!) He opens the car door for me and we’re on our way.  In the car, he proceeds to tell me that he almost had to cancel because his mom wanted him to do a favor for her…I told him that of course, it was his mom, do what you must do…he then tells me "okay, well I’m glad you said that because if you would’ve said something different…I probably would’ve kicked you out of my car."  I start laughing, thinking he was joking…uhm, no he wasn’t.    He was VERY serious.  It dawned on me, that he was a full-blown Mama’s boy. I didn’t say anything in regards to that…I didn’t want to even bring up the topic of Moms…let alone Dominican Moms and their sons.  I would tackle that hurdle (if need be) when I got there.

The 3rd date actually went extremely well.  The restaurant was awesome and the mood was great.  

That night, we kissed.  Well, correction, he kissed me.  As he’s driving me home, we’re at a red light and I’m staring out the window…without me even knowing that he’s coming at me…he grabs my face and kisses me.  Listen, I’m all for aggression, but this straight up scared me. He came out of NOWHERE and planted it on me when I least expected it.  Thank goodness he was a good kisser…if not, I would’ve felt like I was being mauled or attacked by someone. 

4th date was welllll…clearly, I am still single.

The movie Shutter Island had come out and we both expressed interest in seeing it, so we agreed to meet up.  I bought the tickets and I’m there waiting for him…about 30mins pass by and he finally arrives, instead of driving he decided to take the train. Smart. Not! I’m a bit annoyed but I got over it quick.  I should’ve known that this was the beginning to the end…then again, the 1st date was the beginning to the end…smh.

We take our seats, dead smack in the middle of a sold out theater.  I couldn’t wait to feast my eyes on Leonardo DiCaprio. (I’ve been in love with him since the beginning of time, so clearly he was going to get my undivided attention).  I was so into the movie, when homeboy tries to put his arm around me…fine.  I kept on watching…he then proceeds to try to push me into him, to kiss him.  I shake my head and continue to watch the movie.  Ok, I am NOT 15 (except in my massive crush for Leo), therefore I’d like to watch the movie without having to make-out during it…ESPECIALLY since I bought the tickets and the movies are expensive! In other words, backup homeboy, we can make out afterwards.  Well…he did NOT take that too well.  He takes his arm off my shoulders and proceeds to give me a little push in the other direction and says (as he shakes his head and rolls his eyes)"YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE."  

WHAT?? Did I hear this dude right?  Did he just call me an asshole?? My eyes lit up and all I saw was...flames, flames on the side of my face…I was HEATED. LIVID. My whole demeanor changed and my concentration was broken…He just called me an asshole, son! Who the fuck does that??  It took every inch of me not to 1. slap him and 2. tell him off and 3. walk out. I kept my composure and remembered where I was…I was in the middle seat of a crowded movie theater on 42nd street.  Making a scene was not in my best interest right about now.  

The movie ended and so did homeboy’s chances with me.

He tried to make small talk about the movie.  I couldn’t even speak to him. 

Caveman:  "So, I thought we should go to a bar after this."

Me: "Nop, I’m going home."

Caveman:  "You okay?"

Me:  ”Nop.”

Caveman: "Do you want to go home?"

Me:  "Yup"

Caveman:  ”What train are you taking?  Let me walk you.”

Me:  "No, I’m good. Is this your train station?"

Caveman:  "Yea."

Me: ”Ok. Bye.”

And I walked away without turning back.  I made sure to walk a few blocks and took the train at another station to make sure I didn’t run into him.

The next day.

He texted me - "Hey it was nice to see you yesterday, thanks for coming out."

Me: ”I’m going to be honest with you, this isn’t going to work out. You’ve been nice but then extremely rude in some points and on more than one occasion, you’ve called me names, especially after I told you that it wasn’t cool with me.”  

Caveman:  ”I’m sorry, I don’t think before I speak.  I really like you and thought that we could’ve taken this further.  You’re the kind of girl I could see myself with.  But you’ve made up your mind and I have to respect that. I’ll probably regret this.”

Me:  ”Thank you and I’m sure you will.  I wish you luck.”

I didn’t hear from him again until a few months later…he ended up apologizing for calling me an asshole.  The fact that I left him standing in the middle of Times Square without looking back, really stuck in his mind and that he regrets that it didn’t go further because he really liked me. 

It takes a big person to apologize for their wrongdoings and I was actually shocked that he even apologized, period, especially after such a long period of time.  I accepted his apology. 

Now, we communicate every so often.  He seems to be a little softer and have a little more finesse in his approach.  

Hmmm…yea.  We’ll see about that one.

-Juicy Judy



Bring a Towel…


I met him back in elementary school…fast forward 20+yrs.  Its a whole new era, we now have facebook to remind us of our past and bring back those God awful school pictures that still haunt me today.  So about a year ago, I was tagged in picture on facebook from 3rd grade, everyone and their mama was commenting on the picture.  You see, after I moved away I only kept in touch with 2 people from those days.  As soon as I check, I had two friend requests…damn the person who tagged me! I accepted both and it turned out that they remembered a lot more about me than I did of them…but they were cute, so hey! Why not?! Lol.

I gots to talking with one of the two guys in particular.  He was fly and when I say fly…I mean fly!!!  Puerto Rican (are you noticing a trend here?), tall and just fly…(did I say that already?) When we started talking, I realized he was actually really funny…okay so a good sense of humor AND cute?  NICE!  Jackpot.  But that’s where it ended…he started telling me about his life and what he had been up to since 3rd grade…CLEARLY, we had a lot to catch up on…lmao.  He grew on me quickly and I know he was definitely feeling me and the feeling was mutual…

He started pulling out all these pictures from elementary school and started posting them on FB and tagging me all over the place…EMBARRASSING…but nevertheless cute, I guess.  He was also commenting all over my FB page, calling and texting me all the time.  Okay…this was definitely leading somewhere.  So he came to my neck of the woods, we grabbed coffee and hung out a while…we kissed (it was really really nice)…I was actually liking this dude.

But that’s when all the niceness stopped…I started finding things out about him that were automatic turn offs…he was a HUGE weed smoker…and when I mean huge, I mean like Bob Marley ain’t got shit on him status! He had children (yes, plural) and he had a mystery job…whenever I asked him questions, he would avoid them…hmmm, extremely suspect.  But of course, I kept on with this madness for a while…

One day he calls me up and tells me that he’s going to be in my neighborhood and that we should hang out and possibly go back to his place.  I tell him that I won’t be home till later that night and that I would meet up with him then. From the time I initially spoke to him to the time we were supposed to link up…he called me about 10times and texted me more times than that. I told him to relax that we’d meet up soon.  He calls me again and tells me that he was growing impatient waiting for me…I tell him to go ahead and leave, that I’ll drop by his place later that night.  I got home, showered…as I was packing my overnight bag, he starts texting me…yet again.  

Him: “Babe, when are you going to get here?”

Me: “Soon”

Him: “Okay, hurry”

Me: “Yes, I’ll get there soon.”

Him: “Babe, remember to bring a towel.”

Me: “A towel? HUH??”

Him: “Yea, you’re planning on sleeping over, so bring a towel to shower…duh!”

Me: “You don’t have any towels?”

Him: “I haven’t done laundry.”

Me:  ”Ok.”

At this point, I am mortified and contemplating not even going…you don’t have not ONE extra clean towel ready for that unexpected visitor?  What was I stepping into?

That should’ve been my first sign to stay my ass home.    

So I get to his apartment…first thing I see is a pile of clothes thrown on the floor and as I walk through the living room, the whole apartment reeks of weed.

Okay. Seriously, what have I gotten myself into?

As I laid in his bed, I kept thinking to myself "what if he has bedbugs?" LMAO! I couldn’t sleep at all that night thinking that.  But thankfully, after a quick inspection of the bed when he left to use the bathroom, I managed to catch some zzzz’s and make it to work bedbug free with a slight weed stench.  ugh.

The following days, we kept in contact, business as usual.  

I went back to his apartment.  The next morning I joked about not having a towel with me…he tells me I could use his…okay.  WTF is going on?  Does this dude not own extra linens? 

I get out of the shower and I hear this:

"BITCH, FUCK YOU, you’re a dumb ass bitch who wants to fucking use me for my money…you’re a whore"…

I was completely HORRIFIED.  Who the hell was he talking to like this???

He puts the phone down for a second: "Babe, I’m sorry it’s this crazy ass bitch of my baby mom’s calling me asking me for more money when I gave her money yesterday."  

I left his apartment, vowing to never return again.  I updated my facebook status that morning ”Lesson Learned”…do you know that he called me and asked me why I was talking shit about him on facebook? WHAT?? How does “Lesson Learned” translate to me talking shit about you…please son, get over yourself.  

Obviously, I didn’t learn my lesson the first or second time…(but you know when you’re attracted to someone, it’s kind of hard to break that cycle…smh)…because one summer night, him and I spoke and I ended up at his apartment again.  

He told me he didn’t have towels and that once again I could use his towel…needless to say, I air dried myself in the bathroom and left his apartment and vowed never to come back again…

Moral of the story: Towels are the quintessential sign of a put together home. If he don’t got them…RUN.

-Juicy Judy



D stands for Desperate & Douche = You.

I met this douchebag at a frat party back during my college days…he caught my attention within the first few minutes of me seeing him and I knew that I wanted to speak to him, heck! even makeout with him right there and then.  We did speak, makeout and exchanged numbers and even dated through the summer.  He was every college girls fake ass dream…available, hella cute, funny and a “gentlemen.”  He would always take me home (on the train, mind you) no matter how late it was…he lived Uptown and I lived in Queens and he’d always make sure to take off his jacket if I ever got too cold, but his gentlemenly ways…ended there…but more on that later…

I hung out with him all summer and never felt the need to put out…I think back and I’m sooooo glad I never did, I thank myself for that! 

This heffer pulled two memorable stunts that were worthy of a good slap across the face…

The first one…

The summer when we dated, he had invited me to his apartment…or shall I say, his parents’ apt and I went thinking we were just going to hang out, no strings attached.  So I went over and things started heating up…I knew that I didn’t want to take it there with him and made it very clear to him, he seemed to have been okay with it at the time.  As I was about to leave his apartment…he pulls out a condom; I ask him "what the heck are you doing?? I’m outta here!" He tells me, "ma, don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything"…do you know that this douche opened the condom wrapper and threw it on the bed??

Douchebag: "My brother knows you were here and since we didn’t have sex, I need him to think we did…"

Me: I was dumbfounded…what normal person actually thinks this way??? Clearly, only desperate losers!

I was absolutely turned off and even slightly disgusted.  It was an extremely pathetic thing to do. I told him I forgot something in the room, ran back, grabbed the condom and threw it in the garbage.  But knowing him, he probably grabbed another one after I left and did the same thing again…needless to say, I stopped speaking to him after that…

A few years later, he randomly hit me up and we started texting and talking again…he told me about his life and how he had 2 kids (one of which wasn’t his that he was raising for his baby moms, who was crazy…RED ALERT)…he was a real estate agent in Brooklyn and seemed to be doing well for himself.  He wanted to catch up again.  I thought perhaps he was more responsible and had grown up, so I obliged.

On a Sunday afternoon, he offered to stop by and pick me up so we could go for a stroll…he arrived in a White, S class Mercedes…I had to admit, I was impressed, perhaps he was really doing well for himself and had grown up into a mature man…umm yea, that thought lasted about a minute.  When he got out of the car, it looked like he had been playing basketball all day…he was sweaty, had basketball shorts and a jersey on, with a pair of Jordans…turned out he HAD just come from playing basketball without even thinking of showering first!! I kept thinking to myself, what the fuck was this heffer thinking showing up to see someone he hadn’t seen in years without first taking a shower?! 

We drove around and he showed me his properties in Astoria (as though I was gonna be impressed at this point…)…I kept asking him what he wanted to do? He’s like, something low key…I was thinking okkk?!?! Bowling, pool, movies, was that low key enough? He was thinking more in terms of hanging in his car or going back to his place…hmmmm, about that!

So we ended up hanging at a park a few blocks from my apt…a safe haven, lol.  We talked for a long while and he made his move, he kissed me.  I remember how good of a kisser he was, so I kept with it…a good makeout session never hurt anyone, right?  But clearlyyyy he had other things in mind…not even 5mins into us kissing, do you know that this heffer was like well, let’s go!  

Me:  Go where?

Douche: Back to my place…

Me:  ::Laughing:: I don’t think so…

Douche:  C’mon, we’ll take it from where we left off in the past…

Me:  You must have a distorted sense of history, because I remember it ended with me not talking to you…

Douche:  (As if to hurt my feelings)...well you weren’t that great anyway…

I laughed and left his ass right there in the park.  I remember walking away (as he thought I’d probably be back)…when he finally realized I wasn’t coming back, he ran out of the park and jetted down the block…I was already half way home and started running until I got to my door. He called me about 100times that night, leaving me messages to apologize…I never spoke to his ass again…

A few years later, a friend of mine was telling me how she met this guy, so she went on to show me his facebook page…it was the same guy! I warned her about his douchebag ways…but she didn’t listen at first, turns out that he tried pulling the same pathetic douchebag moves that he did on me, on her.  She dropped him quick! And we haven’t heard from him since…

The moral of the story?  If you meet a guy who’s so desperate to have sex, kick him to the curb…please.  No respectable man, should be THAT desperate…

-Juicy Judy



Run for the hills SON! We got a crazy one on our hands!

I can’t recall where I met this "winner" but all I know is that he was certifiably crazy.  

He was about 21, Italian and Puerto Rican from Ridgewood…he was nice at first…but then again who isn’t nice at first?  Then, I started noticing something was off…REALLY OFF…

There were some obvious warning signs…
 if I didn’t answer his texts he’d call me right away and ask why I didn’t pick up the phone…then I remember mentioning to him that I was going to be out with a few friends at my favorite Saturday spot and he kept asking me a a bunch of questions wondering who I was going to be with…why was I going there and what time I expected to be there.  In true Juicy Judy fashion, I told his ass to slow his roll cause I had one father and he wasn’t it. He tried to romance his way into telling me that it was because he really cared about me…that’s when a HUGE RED ALERT went off! You really care about me? (We had only known each other for about 2 weeks at this point and as far as I was concerned this could only mean one thing…he was a clinger and quite possibly a psycho)…so he really needed to be put in check.  But I knew that the moment I’d say something, he’d go biserick and since I know how to pick and choose my battles, I decided it would be best to leave this crazy mofo live in his outlandish lala land…that’s when I started dodging his calls and ignoring his texts…

I thought that was the last of him…up until that weekend…I went to my favorite spot and about 20minutes into me being there, I noticed that my cellphone was going off, more than usual, inside my clutch…but I didn’t bother checking who it could be.  The vibrating kept on and finally I checked my phone, I had 20missed calls!!  Some were blocked and others were from a number I didn’t recognize. This was extremely suspect…so I stepped outside and called the number back…"who is this?" Anonymous: “Hey Babe, what’s up?” Me: “uhm, who is this?”Anonymous: “babe, its me”…right there my eyes lit up…ah shit! It’s the PSYCHO!!! Me: “what do you want?” Psycho: “I’m right outside in the car, look to your right.” I didn’t know what to do! He got out of the car and started walking towards me and very nonchalantly said: "what’s up babe?" What’s up babe?!Was this mofo out his damn mind?! I didn’t even bother answering as he kept talking like we’ve been chums for years…this shit was out of control!  Me: “Well I gotta go back inside”…Psycho: “You’ve gained some weight have a little gut going.” I was like WHAT?!?!?! I started to walk away and that’s when he went ape shit. Can you believe he started cursing me out?!?!  (I’m sure you’re not surprised)…I left him on the sidewalk, talking to himself and went back inside to go about my business…that’s when he started calling me again…
I didn’t pick up at first…but it wouldn’t stop…he left me messages, cursing me out and then kept calling and I’d pick up and hang up…but he kept at it…so I finally picked up and cursed his ass out (sometimes you gotta let them have it)…the bouncers thought I was cursing my boyfriend out and even offered to settle it themselves, but needless to say, all it took was me cursing him out for him to stop calling…

Or so I thought…

About a few days later, I’m relaxing, watching TV…and my cell goes off…I check, a number I didn’t recognize…so I pick up (because I had to be nosy right?!)…Caller: “Hey babe…Me: “Ahhh f*ck!!!” Psycho: “what’s up?! You mad?” Me: “You need to stop calling me” Psycho: “Don’t hang up! I need a favor” Me: “are u fkin crazy?!” Psycho: “Listen! You know I live in the basement of my house and one of the pipes burst and everything is flooded, so I need to come and stay at your crib…” I couldn’t help but start laughing because I couldn’t believe what he was saying…Psycho: “why you laughing? You think this is funny?!?! I need help, let me come and stay at your place”…I couldn’t stop laughing…this dude was out of his mind…I ended up hanging up and laughing to myself for a while…he tried calling back but I never picked up again…
I thought the saga was over…

YEA RIGHT…about a year later someone instant messages me under a different name…PapiChuloITPR04: “Hey, you remember me…” I already knew it was this psycho…he was relentless…I signed off, changed my screen name…but then a year later…

Nah I’m just kidding…I never heard from him again…HALLELUJAH! 

The Moral of this Story - If you ever meet a Puerto Rican/Italian guy from Ridgewood, ask him if he’s ever had a major leak in his basement…if he says YES…RUN FOR THE HILLS SON! 

 -Juicy Judy 




Oh where do I start?! My dating life has been one bump after another…sometimes ridiculously good…other times incredibly horrific.  But mostly horrific…

 I’ll start you off with a little snippet of what’s to come…because if I told you the whole damn story, then you wouldn’t stick around…

When I was younger…(cause you know damn well this wouldn’t happen now)…I started dating this Puerto Rican guy.  I can’t say he was cute, cause in reality he wasn’t…and to be honest with you, I simply can’t remember why I even dated him in the first place…but I did…so here it goes.  This Puerto Rican guy kind of did the romance thing…dinners, movies, constantly calling me to tell me he wanted to see me, texts…everything…I thought, ok, he’s a semi-good catch…why not give him a chance, right?  Yea, how about that thought lasted about a month…do you know that this child had the audacity to invite me to sleep over at his grandma’s house, talking about “come over, we’ll watch a movie and cuddle”…I love to cuddle…so I obliged.  When I got there, he had to SNEAK ME IN!  What the heck was I getting myself into??? And what was a 24yr old man doing sneaking in someone to his grandma’s house?!??! Dios Mio! 

Well, when I got to his room…I should’ve run for the hills…this guy…had NO sheets on his bed…yesss…read that line again…NO sheets! I was dumbfounded…how could a 24 year old man have absolutely NO sheets on his bed?!?!  I stood there horrified…I kept thinking to myself…I left the comfort of my fluffy, nicely made, clean sheets bed, to come and cuddle and sleep on a bed with NO sheets?!?!?! Then I thought, ok no…perhaps he did laundry?! But NO, there was no laundry, no nicely folded ready to be put away clothes…no fresh Downy scent…NOTHING!! There wasn’t even a laundry basket for goodness sake! So he tells me to come in and sit…how can I possibly sit on a bed with no sheets?! I couldn’t fathom the thought…so I sat on the edge of the bed and I asked him, “Where are your sheets?!?!” He’s like “Ohh yea! Let me get one”…At this point, I’m thinking “Okayyyy, maybe he just forgot to put them on???” So he runs out, comes back with what seems to be a twin size sheet for a queen size bed…he drapes it over the bed and acts as though he just did me some kind of huge favor…I was beyond words at this point.  Needless to say - There was NO cuddling, NO movie AND I made sure to sleep with my clothes on! The worst part about it??? I had to fold the sheet over - in order to cover my feet!  I left him there, sheetless, to freeze his ass off…OH! And he only had one pillow that was flatter than a 10yr old’s chest…needless to say this faux “romance” didn’t last very long after that…he’s probably still living in his grandma’s house with only one twin size bed sheet.

Moral of the story? There’s no excuse for a grown man not to have sheets…if you have money to drink Bacardi all the damn time, you sure as hell should have money to buy some sheets! OK?!?!


Juicy Judy