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08

Dec

Happily Ever After…

As I’m sure many of you have, I went through a phase where just the sound of a motorcycle would get my heart racing. Yes I must admit, I was a biker lover.  One of my ex’s introduced me to the adrenaline rush of racing down a highway at 130mph with your arms wrapped tightly around your boo, and ever since we broke up I couldn’t shake the desire to get back on that horse with someone new!

This is where Family Guy comes into play…

On a hot summer afternoon I walked through the east village with a couple of girlfriends shopping around for hotties shoes… When we ran into a group of guys leaning up against their parked motorcycles (cliche I know, just keep in mind it was cool back then).  In between all of the hooting and hollering, I was approached by FG. He was such a gentleman compared to his riding buddies who thought winking and blowing kisses at a girl while patting on their passenger seat was a sure fire way to catch our attention.  After chatting with FG for some time I realized that this one was pretty good on paper.  He had all the basics that I required from a guy at 19 years old… He was over 21, had a job, bike (or car), and didn’t live with his mom! Jackpot!!
We exchanged info and I couldn’t wait until my first ride out on town with him!
A couple of days later I agreed to let FG pick me up from a friends place for dinner and a ride.  Just as hot as I remember, he picked me up on his bike and whisked me away as we sped off to a bar.  We arrived at Essence, and even though I was born and raised in Brooklyn, I for the life of me could not figure out where I was.

FG was just as sweet as when I met him. We did the usual date chatting and all was going absolutely well until get took off his sweater revealing a tattoo

"Jacob & Jodi".

Of course I had to ask, “So, who’s Jacob & Jodi?” He replies ever so casually, “Oh those are my kids. Jacob’s 3 and Jod’s 1”.  My throat clenches up and I nearly choke on my appletini.  And in an effort to not sound as young as I actually am, I play it off cool with a “Oh two kids?  They must be adorable at that age.” FG then takes that as a sign that oh she’s cool with this and then decides to drop another bomb. He then says “Yea my wife and I didn’t plan on the second one but it just happened and she’s just such a blessing.” WTF!?!? NOW I’m panicking. I’ve been set up! I feel like one of those mice stuck on the glue trap, freedom within clear sight but can’t seem to move. I manage to cough out “oh you have a wife” and he casually replies “oh, yea thought I mentioned that when we met.” Dead silence…

He then excuses himself to the restroom and I instantly begin to phone all my emergency contacts in hopes of getting someone to come save me.  No one seems to know where this place is.  (This was way before internet on cellphones and Google being the go to bible) In a last ditch effort to save myself, I consider just gnawing my foot off to free myself from this glue trap grabbing my coat and running out of the place and worrying about finding my way home after I’m free. But unfortunately my hesitation to leave left no room for an escape as Family guy strolls back from the bathroom and flashes a huge smile when we lock eyes. “Oh good you’re still here!” He says as he takes a seat and signals the waitress to bring over another round of drinks.
 ”Umm what do you mean by that” I say. ”Oh well I figured I’d step away to the bathroom after telling you that I’m married to give you the opportunity to leave if you wanted to without making things too awkward.”

Damn it, that was my chance…
I sat through this charade for another 30 minutes before I began my fake yawns and he then finally offered to take me home. I sighed in relief when we pulled up in front of my friends place as I then hopped right off his bike, handed him his helmet and dashed upstairs before he could even think of kissing me. The family guy called and texted a few times asking to go for a ride just as friends after I told him to go home to his wife.

Lesson learned…. If a window of escape presents itself, take it!

11

Nov

Con Ed (Part I)

I’m not the shyest one of the bunch, so when I spotted the hot sweaty and sexy Con Ed man hard at work on the city streets I had no choice but to make a B line for him. He had dazzling blue eyes and a charming smile. We quickly exchanged numbers and I went on my merry way. Done and Done!

Beep beep… A message from Con Ed already and I’m not even a block away, how creepy sweet . I’m usually used to the whole 2 day rule before a guy calls but what the hell, I’m all about being more available these days right? He asked me a couple of general questions and after a couple of days and establishing he wasn’t totally crazy we finally set up a day to do drinks.
 
Now you’ll come to learn that I’ve got a low tolerance for what I consider to be silly or stupid questions. I’m a “figure it out get shit done” kinda gal, so the moment Con Ed asked me to pick the location and a time to meet, give him the address and directions (that’s why god invented Mapquest, Hopstop and Google) and tell him what should be appropriate to wear, my red flags went up…. But again being more “open” I went into this date with all smiles. He was super charming and we had lots in common so I had my 3 drink date max and headed on my merry way with a long hug goodbye.

The next couple of days were filled with general “how are you” “how’s your day” texts until he finally asked me on a second date. He asked me to hang out after I got off work so I suggested dinner… His reply “Oh that’s right I almost forgot how much you lovvvveee to eat” Did he just call me fat?
Open L.O.L.A., you’re being more open… Ok

Me: Umm ok well if you have a better idea than you choose, I’m a bit swamped at work so I’ll give you some time to pick a place and I’ll give you a call when I’m a little less busy.


CE: Well whatever you want to do I’m ok with.  Sorry to hear you’re so busy, is there anything I can do to help?”

Me: Not really unless you want to come by and fax and file some stuff but thanks for offering. Lots going on here so I can’t really plan anything. So please just pick a time and place and I’ll meet you there.


CE: where do you work? How about I pick you up after work and you can tell me what you’d like to do then.

HUH? Did I miss something? Am I the only one noticing this pattern…
At this point I start to become a bit annoyed for several reasons:
1) I asked several times for him to decide on something to do, basically lining it up for him, giving him the opportunity to wow me with a nice dinner date and he keeps throwing the ball right back at me with his “whatever you’d like”. I immediately have flash backs to “Coming to America” where Eddie Murphy is given a servant as a wife to do everything he asks and some how she ends up barking like a dog as she hops on one foot saying “whatever you like I like”
2) I said I wanted to do dinner Just pick a damn place! Be a man! Take charge!
3) I’m at work, which usually has me extremely busy so chit chatting during the day isn’t really an option, and yet some how this one has managed to keep yapping about 6 texts too long.

I finally decide to stop replying since "I’m pretty busy here I’ll text you when its more quiet" doesn’t mean much to Con Ed.  So I put my phone away and get on the grind so that hopefully I can leave work at a decent time.

My day begins to finally quiet down, so I grab my phone and see that I have 6 texts and 2 missed calls.
"Hey hun, how are you"
"Hey hun are you there?"
"Hun Can you Talk",
"Would it be better if I called you hun?"
"hello?"
"Is everything okay hun?"
 And then when I didn’t reply to these texts he then proceeds to call me… Twice! Leaving one voice mail pleading for me to call him back to let him know I’m ok.
Now keep in mind, this is all happening over the course of about an hour. So I could easily have been in a meeting, on a conference call, running an errand and yet Con Ed still continues to stalk me by any means necessary.

After his back and forth, indecisiveness, reading all of these texts and hearing his desperation over the phone… I’m officially turned off for the day…

To Be Continued… 


27

Oct

Private First Class

Hell, I’ve dated a lot of guys that get a good chuckle outta me… but way back when, the story was serious. It was the foundation for INMIDY… and it’s the story of a diva’s first (of several heart breaks). This is the story of Private first class…When I dreamt of losing my V Card, I thought there would be rose petals and scented candles all over, but instead it was a random night on his futon…But then, looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. He was my BEST friend. This goes beyond a bad date or two, cheap pick up lines, or stalkers…::cue the cheesy romantic music::  

I’d been best friends with Pvt. First Class for  years.. All throughout my childhood and into my senior year of high school.  We were partners in crime. Talking on the phone for hours into the night, sharing dating dilemmas (him about his girlfriends & me about my boyfriends) and giving each other helpful advice. He was the best. And obviously you can see how eventually something like this would develop into a relationship once we both were single at the same time and realized our attraction for each other.  For months it was all pure PG-13. After months of heavy petting and long make out sessions during hooky parties (I’d still been holding onto my virginity for dear life at this point), I started to seriously ponder the idea of him being my first. Why not, he was my best friend, and who else would I always be able to count on and look back at fondly.  But when he graduated high school, and told me about his plans to enlist,  I was devastated and now more than ever hell bent on having him be my first. So we eventually did the deed and of course it was way more awkward and fumbly than I’d hoped.  Elbows and knees in the wrong place, him asking if he was doing it right (how the hell should I know) and me wondering if he was done.  Far from magical, but indeed memorable. And afterward he offered me a pepsi and a cigarette, and I obliged since that’s just how it went down in the movies.  

A few months later off he went for his 4 month long training. The first 2 months weren’t as bad as I thought, we wrote each other 2-3 times a week, and a phone call here and there kept our relationship going. His letters and calls came in a bit less frequent the last couple of months but he blamed it on the intensity of the training and his exhaustion, yada yada yada.. And I ate it up like the young school girl that I was.  Then finally it was time for him to return! I couldn’t wait to see him and offered to pick him up; he said it wasn’t necessary since there’d be lots of forms and paper work for him to handle and that I’d be bored so he promised to call me when he finally got home.

What felt like an eternity later he finally called, and even though it was extremely late (and a school night) I insisted on going over to see him. Again he didn’t think it was a good idea since it was late and he was exhausted from the trip but promised that we would get together once he settles in. Three (long) days later we finally set some time to meet.  It was like christmas day for me… I met him with such enthusiasm and he just didn’t seem the same.  He sat me down and said we had to talk (damn, there goes that rock in the pit of my stomach) I’ll never forget this moment, because this was the moment I had my heart broken for the very first time. (and of course 2 broken hearts & 10 years later I finally learned that no one dies from a broken heart)

He’d met someone and fell in love with her during training, Burn…. She was here in town, staying with him and his family….. Double Burn. She’s pregnant, Triple burn….And he’s going to “do the right thing” and marry her once they’ve settled in to the city they’ve enlisted for…. Done! I got up and walked away. Refusing to let this boy see me cry.  After 2 weeks of ignoring his calls and emails he finally got the point and knew to piss off.

He’s reappeared several times over the last couple of years attempting to rekindle a bit more than friendship… And of course I’ve passed and also politely informed his wife that she was dealing with a first class asshole.

Moral of the story, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice I’ll kick your ass.

13

Oct

The Bronx Bomber

Blind dates are not really my thing. The awkward forced set up is just a recipe for blog material.  But when my best friend from college begged to set me up with one of her boyfriend’s friends who she knew pretty well and had nothing but great things to say about I figured what the hell… I’ll try almost anything once.  She gave him my number and we chatted on the phone a couple of times, getting comfortable enough to then set a date to meet.

The Bronx Bomber picked me up in Time Square (being that I lived all the way in Brooklyn and he was from the Bronx, Manhattan just seemed like the logical point to meet).  I hoped in his car and he was just as hot as my friend said, and apparently he thought so too since right after our “hi, how are you’s” he gave me his modeling portfolio to look at… “Umm ok, yea that’s definitely your good side.” 20 minutes and 40 pages later, I looked up and realized that we were driving 100mph with the volume blasting at 95 hoping on the highway towards the Bronx.  I screamed over, “Where are we headed?” He replies, “I need to stop by my place and pick up something. Didn’t think you mind a quick stop before we head out.”

Sure, what’s a little detour before our night out…

We get to his place, and of course I go inside because there’s no way in hell I’m waiting in his car at 8pm like a sitting duck just asking to be mugged.  And after 45 minutes of sitting around while he rummages through stuff, blasts some more music, makes a drink and seems to make himself very comfortable on the couch next to me, I start to realize that this fool has nothing planned. “So, where are we off to next” I ask.  ”Oh I figured we go check out this CD shop I like near by”, says The Bronx Bomber. WTF?!?! Did I just travel what feels like across country for some High school “let’s hang” shit! This is when the headache starts to kick in. So I get up and play along with this whole visit to the CD shop deal to get the ball moving and us up and out of his house.  

As we’re walking out, I get a call from my grandmother in which I take promptly (anything to not to deal with this do nothing go nowhere “date”) My darling grandmother just called to see how I was and just to update me on the news that one of our dogs had just died.  After hanging up, The Bronx Bomber was kind enough to ask if everything was okay since I sounded a bit upset… Wait maybe there is hope yet for him, sweet of him to ask and seem concerned. Then when I share with him that my dog had just died, his reply was “Damn, what they fed that dog?” Followed by a huge burst of laughter.  Yea this date is over…  This is where I break the news to him that I’m not feeling well and should probably just skip the CD shop. He seems genuinely disappointed but seems to understand. So he makes an abrupt u-turn from the direction we were headed and stops short at a random local train stop down a dark alley that appears to be abandoned. Really?!?! You couldn’t have dropped me off back where you met me in Manhattan at least. I jumped out of the car just as quickly as he made that u-turn and yelled “don’t call me, I’ll call you” as I ran down into the train station.  

Thankfully I made it home safely to live to tell you this story…. Clearly there wasn’t a second date.  Some time after this, I’m watching MTV’s reality show, G’s to Gents, where they take a bunch of hooligans and try to turn them into gentleman, and guess who pops up on the show, The Bronx Bomber himself.

Why am I not surprised. SMH